Heres the long version!!! I just found it....Of couse after I posted the "short version"

I went back to work part time at my old school. I really love it. It is 15 hours a week, so I do 3 5 hour days, and then I keep my friend's little girl on Wed. and Fridays. So needless to say we are very busy. My job is working in the guidance office at school. I like it because I can hide out and do paper work, which has been really interesting. I'm learning so much and it feels good to help the girls in guidance out, and some of the other teachers. I work with Shelia and Pam and they are so great. They have been so good to me and helped me ease back into the work setting. They listen to me when I need to talk about Jack, and keep me busy enough that I don't get bogged down in my thoughts. I get to go and observe kids in the classroom, and sit in on meetings about how we can help them get the best education possible. So over all I am blessed to have my job, and still a couple of days each week to stay home and play with Griffin.

She is doing very well. She is in pre-school 2 days a week and taking a ballet/dance class every Wednesday. We have a discussion daily about Jack. She ask me questions and I do the best to answer them. Sometimes we laugh about the things he did, and sometimes we cry at how much we miss him. Both are good ways for us to remember him.

Ryan is staying so busy with work. He has had to work the past 2 weekends. He likes his job. He is learning more and more and getting certified in different areas of plumbing, which open up more opprotunities for him. He has started doing a lot more side work for friends, people at church, and even some of the teachers at my school. I'm very proud of him and how much he has learned the past three years. He really likes his boss, and his boss has been really good to him this past year. He always allowed Ryan to take time to go to Dr. appt. with me while Iwas pregnant, and anytime Jack was sick or having a hard week. He let Ryan have plenty of time off during the funerel and days that followed. We really are blessed by the people God put in our life at this really hard time.

Griffin spent the weekend in Valdosta with Mom and Dad, and Ryan and I went to our good friend, LK's 30th birthday party. We went to a local Jacksonville fish camp/resturant and ate with friends. afterward they had a band and we all stayed around and laughed and danced. It felt good to laugh and be with friends. I'll post pics of the party soon. Then Sunday Ryan and I went out on our boat and fished and eat a picnic lunch. Very fun!

Words of comfort

Thank you all for your comments and prayers for me last night and today. I do read them and they bring me such comfort. Today has gone much better then I thought it would. I am so thankful to have this blog to vent some of my feelings. Love you and hope you have a good day.
Sincerely,
Amanda Lee

7 months old

I hope this blog finds its readers having a blessed and happy new year. The Lee family is just trying to heal one day at a time. I can't tell you how thankful we are to all our family, friends, and loved ones for the support they have given us.

Yesterday was Jan. 10th. Jack would have been 7 months old. Tomorrow Jan. 12th marks 2 months ago that he passed away. I can't believe how times ticks away. I know that it has to for many reasons. It forces us to continue this journey on Earth to get that much closer to our time with God in Heaven. It also protects us from dwelling on the sadness of a time or season in our lives. I know that we can't handle staying in one time too long.

Yesterday Ryan, Griffin, and I went to Tallahassee for a basketball game at FSU. It was a nice distraction from the sadness of the day. On our way home Ryan got really sleepy so I drove I-10 back to Jacksonville. Ryan and Griffin both fell asleep, which left me kind of alone with my thoughts. It was a beautiful night with a full moon. So I drove the darkness and thought of our time with Jack. I wept at the beauty of his small and very brief life. I thought about how he would have looked getting older and bigger. I tried to picture him sitting up and getting his first few teeth. I could hear his giggle and see his little smile. It was almost as if in that full moon, I could feel him shining down on me. I went to sleep that night crying for what could have been.

I still wake most mornings wondering if it were all a dream. I wake up wondering if he is still in his nursery, or if I am still pregnant. My breath catches in my chest hoping for a different outcome. It is so hard and mind blowing when the realization sinks in. It is like getting punched in the stomach. I just can't believe that we actually lost a precious baby.

I realize he is in a a better place, and that God loves him, and God loves us, but the ache to hold that sweet baby in my arms is almost too much to bear some days. A lot of days I do okay. I keep myself busy and distracted, but other days it does not matter what I do the sadness overwhelms me. It is hard for all of us.

A few nights ago Ryan, Griffin, and I went to dinner and started talking about Griffin's birthday. She will be 4 in May, but she is already very eager to have a party. She was talking about what kind of cake she wanted , and then looked at me and said, "Mom, do you think Jack and God could come to my party?" Ryan and I tried to smile and said they will be watching your party from Heaven. She seemed okay with that answer, but it took all that Ryan and I had not to fall apart right there in Chili's.

I am sorry if this post makes you sad or cry too. Please just continue to pray for me and my family. I think these days have been harder now that the dust has settled, the company has gone home, and the days go back to what was normal before we were pregnant. The big difference is that it can't go back to what it was before. Jack has forever changed our lives, some sadness, and a lot of beautiful memories.
Good night family and loved ones. Love, The Lees

Christmas 2008

Merry Late Christmas to All!
We just got home from a week of Christmas in Kansas. We made the 24 hour drive to see Ryan's family in Ashland, KS. It was such a nice time. I was really worried that Christmas this year would be sad and hard, but it was a very nice time. Griffin really enjoyed the season first with my parents in Valdosta. We stopped in and opened presents with them, and had birthday cake with Mom. Her birthday was Christmas day. Happy Birthday again Mom. We love you. We spent the night with them and then drove out to the cemetery in Valdosta to take Jack a Christmas tree and tell him how much we love him. Then we were off for our drive. We drove about16 hours. Stopping some and eating or shopping. Then we made it to Ryan's parents and surprised his Mom. We came out a few days earlier then she thought. It was worth it to see the surprise on her face. Spent time with family and friends.

One Christmas Eve we went to a candle light service at the Christian Church in Ashland. It was absolutely beautiful. It is just what I needed to settle my soul and mind and help me focus on the true meaning of the season. As I sat there in the candlelight darkness listening to story of Baby Jesus' birth I was brought to tears thinking of the birth of my own son, Jack. I love the part of the scripture in Luke 2:19 when the shepherds and wise men were coming to visit them and see the new baby that "Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." Like any mom you try to let every moment of your newborn child just wash over you and settle in so that you never forget it. That is how I was with Jack. I treasured up the way he smelled and cried, and the feel of his warm body and the sweet sounds he made. I will never forget these things and I will always ponder them in my heart.

We had a beautiful Christmas day and enjoyed opening gifts with my in laws and both Ryan's sister and their boyfriends, and Aunt Kathy, Uncle Steven, and Papaw. It was a very good time. Then we travelled 24 hours back to Valdosta. When we got to Mom and Dad's we dropped Griffin off and Ryan and I headed back to spend some time at Jack's grave. Ryan and I sat down and talked about the special things that Jack meant to both of us. We started off Crying and ending with smiles at the joy of our sweet Baby Jack. While we were talking I looked up in the sky at a huge white fluffy cloud, and a hole the shape of a perfect heart appeared in the cloud. I told Ryan to look and we both looked up for just a few moments and then the heart just drifted away. Ryan said , "We LOVE you too Jack!" And we both felt so much peace that Jack is happy and in a beautiful place. Then we thanked God for the beautiful gift he shared with us, and we came home. I am leaving you with a poem Ryan's Aunt Kathy found and gave us this year on Christmas Eve:

I'm Spending Christmas

With Jesus Christ This Year

"I see the countless Christmas Trees, around the world below,

With tiny lights like heaven's stars reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear,

For I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,

But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring,

for it is beyond description to hear an angel sing.

I can't tell you of the splendor or the peace here in this place.

Can you just imagine Christmas with our Savior, face to face?

I'll ask him to lighten your spirit as I tell him of your love.

So then pray for one another as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your hearts be joyful, and let your spirit sing,

for I'm spending Christmas in heaven, and I'm walking with our King!"

Merry Christmas Baby Jack, and to all our family, friends, and love ones.

Festival of Lights 5K

Last night we did the big race. It was so much fun. Mom and Dad came into to Jax. and entered the race too. Other racers were Me, Missy, Janine, Ryan (after playing 4 softball games in a tournament, which they won. CONGARTS Ryno!! I love you), Griffin, Jason, Melanie, Allison, Jeff, Carson, Ken and Katherine Mick. We took our time and took pictures along the way and enjoyed the lights. There were over 2,000 people in this race. All the money went to "Children's Miracle Network". I really enjoyed being with everyone. Every contestant in the race wore Jingle Bells on their shoes. Me, Janine, Missy, and Griffin wore our shirts we decorated in memory of Baby Jack. We love you Bubby! We hope to do more races in the future. This one will be a Christmas tradition.

Thinking of Jack

It is so hard to try feeling normal right now. Some days I do okay, and then some I just want to jump out of my skin. The anxiety of not being able to hold my son is more than I can bear. I just sit in his room and try to feel him. Sometimes it is comforting and sometimes it is frustrating because you can't feel anything. We have his slideshow of pictures that I watch and some video tape of him eating his applesauce and rice cereal.
I am so thankful that Griffin, Ryan, and I got to do a lot of the things we talked to Griffin early on in my pregnancy. She got to bathe him, push him in a stoller, help change diapers, and finally feed him. For the 5 months we had him, it was just beautiful. It was hard because we never knew from day to day what could happen, but that forced us to live each day to the fullest we possibley could with Jack.
We squeezed in a lot of fun in a short amount of time. If you did not get to go to the funerel here in Jacksonville I'll list a few of the things Jack got to do( our friend Eddie Phillips "my elder" did a beautiful job sharing at the service the list below of what all we were able to do with Baby Jack):

• He rode in our boat
• went to Wilson's tee-ball game
• went to Olive Garden
• went to his own baby shower at Missy's house
• he went to Griffin's pre-school pumpkin party
• he went to church
• he went to his PedsCare Halloween party
• he went to my school where I taught ; Mandarin Oaks Elementary
• He went to Mrs. Rita's house
• He sat in Santa's lap with his Big Sister
• He smiled at us and laughed at his sissy, Winnie, and Wilson while taking Halloween pics.
• he went with us to Mandarin park several times and we feed the fish

We made sure that this little boy got to experience some wonderful things his short time here on Earth. I am so thankful to God that we got to share that with him, and that God shared him with us. Oh how I wish for more time! One day we will spend eternity together.

When Jack passed away Ryan wanted to make sure we dressed him in play cloths. He wore his soft overalls so that he would be ready to play when he got to heaven. We picture him fishing with his great grandpapas. And I know he gets rocked to sleep each night by his Granny, Nana, and Mamaw.

That is all for tonight. Hope to post pictures very soon.

Racing for Jack

This Sunday the 7th me, Janine, Missy, Allison, and several friends from church are doing a 3 mile race called "The Festival of Lights" in downtown Jacksonville area. It is actually in an area called San Marco. It should be really fun. The race is at night and everyone wears Jingle Bells on their shoes and everything is decorated for Christmas. Janine came over tonight and we painted T-shirts in memory of Jack. They say Merry Christmas Jack 2008. We Love you! Griffin even decorated one for her and "Bubby". That is what she calls Jack. Anyway the race is for the Children's Miracle Network, and me and Janine decided it would be a great way to honor Jack and keep his memory with us through the holidays. I will post pictures next week of us at the race. I hope you all are having wonderful holidays and enjoying your family and loved ones.
Sincerely, Amanda

"Silent night! Holy night! All is calm, all is bright. Sleep in Heavenly peace!"
Baby Jack,
I know you are feeling so much calm and so much peace now. I miss you so much it hurts, but I will see you again some day.
Goodnight sweet Jack. I love you Baby!!!! XOXOXO Your Mommy