Fall Fun

We have been very busy and since I have joined facebook, I don't keep up with my blog as well. So here is an overview. Griff and I have been doing some "grief" work and found out we are pretty healthy and handeling things normal and good. That was a BIG relief. Only by God's grace am I even surviving this. Some days are better than other, and medicine helps too, but just a little something to help take the edge off. Working and staying busy helps. I am still so thankful I can work part time, and spend my afternoons with Griff and Robin. Today we went to PETCO and picked out a goodie bag of treats for Robin and then went to the park and played. It was a BEAUTIFUL afternoon. It was good to get fresh air and sunshine.

Last weekend we went to Atlanta to see family and friends. We visited a GIANT pumpkin patch there with Kim, Adam, and Great Grandma. Then Sunday morning we went to our old church, Grace Chapel Church of Christ, and it was great.
Mom and Dad came to visit this past weekend and we went to the corn maize with some friends from church. We also went to the pumpkin patch down the street from our house. It was a great weekend. I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

"Tear Soup" By Pat Schwiebert and chuck DeKlyen

"Tear soup is a way for you to sort through all the different types of feelings and memories you have when you lose someone or something special."

"Because of her great loss, she knew her recipe fir tear soup would call for a big pot. With a big pot she would have plenty of room for all the memories, misgivings, all the feelings and all the tears she needed to stew in the pot over time."

"Some days when you're making tear soup it's even hard to breathe. Some days you feel like running away. You just hope a better day comes along soon. And then comes one of the hardest parts of making tear soup,"
"It's when you decided it might be okay to eat something instead of soup all the time."

"I've learned that grief, like a pot of soup, changes the longer it simmers and the more things you put into it.
And most importantly, I've learned that there is something down deep within all of us ready to help us survive the things we think we can't survive."

Human Nature

Here are the scriptures from the sermon I talked about. My Dad talked to his preacher, Bryan, and he sent the verses and a quote to him.

"What a heavy burden God has laid on men!
Ecclesiastes 1:13b

Hebrews 13:5b
…. because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.“

1 Peter 2:9a
But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood,
a holy nation, a people belonging to God …

Ephesians 2:10a
For we are God's workmanship …

1 Corinthians 6:17
But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.

Philippians 4:13
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Psalms 112:1
Praise the Lord.
Blessed is the man who fears the Lord,
who finds great delight in his commands.

He will have no fear of bad news;
his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.
Psalms 112:7

This is the quote from Dr. John Mark Hicks …

“My problem–indeed, humanity’s tendency – is to allow sadness to become my reality and my identity. It has defined me at times. It has colored everything in my life, blinded me to the vibrancy of life’s colors, and distorted my joys. It was often easier to feel nothing rather than risk feeling the sadness again, and thus life becomes bland, grey and emotionless. It then becomes easy to put up a facade and live quite comfortably in my own shack
of self-pity and despair. When sadness becomes our identity, everything else becomes meaningless. In the language of Ecclesiastes, when futility and meaningless become our vision of life, life itself is a burden. When we park our heart in sadness we lose our very personhood and purpose. But this is not God’s intent for us.”

God Bless … Bryan

Thank you Dad and Mr. Bryan for sharing and encouraging!

The Shack

I recently finished reading "The Shack". It was a great book, especially for what we have gone through. I love the time that Mack spent at the Shack with God, Jesus and the holy spirit. I wish I could have an experience like that weekend with the Holy Trinity.

And even more life changing was a sermon I heard in Valdosta this past Sunday. It was based on "the shack", not the book but the symbolic place that we go when we are troubled, and dealing with a "great sadness". I have been camping in my own personal Shack for about a yer and a half. Ever since I found out about my pregnancy not being "normal" I have been grieving. Then all the stress, uncertainty, joy, memories, and sadness that Jack's life and death brought to our family. I found myself running to the shack, by myself, any chance I got. Looking through pictures, watching videos and DVDs of Jack's life, and even listening to his funereal recorded on a CD when I was driving alone in my car. I know that it probably normal for anyone grieving. I guess I feel like the sadness is where my baby and the memories are. The sadness keeps me close to him, and moving on to a happiness is moving farther from Jack, and our life with him. I spent my time feeling guilt from being happy, and guilt from being sad. I still do not have a clue how to handle this, but I know that God does not want us to camp out and dwell in our shack. Please pray for me as I continue to search for the right space to be in. I want to enjoy the present with Ryan, Griffin, our family and friends. But I never want to be removed from the past and the love I have for Jack, and how much he means to me, or how much I miss him. I also long for a future of love and happiness, and possible one day more children.

On a positive note, I started my Kindergarten class. We are in week two. It is so much fun. I teach half days and it is working great. Today we went and met Griffin's VPK teacher and saw her classroom. Ryan took an early lunch and we all three went to her school and enjoyed lunch together. Now Griffin and I are home with robin, our new puppy, and doing well. I'll try to add new pics soon. Computer is running slow. Love to my readers!

How bout some good news

Alright...I know my last few blogs have been really low. I'm sure most folks have about stopped reading because it is pretty depressing. So...how bout some good news!

Here we go. I got a job teaching Kindergarten. That is new and exciting. I will teach every morning at my same school Mandarin Oaks. I will teach mornings, and my friend Lisa will teach afternoons. She has a newborn cutie, Reed. So it will give us both a great opportunity to stay in the classroom part time and then be home with our kiddos too. Griffin will be VPK every morning. So as soon as I get off work, she will be done with school and we will have the afternoons to hang out. It is her last year before Kindergarten, and then she will be with me at my school. Yay! What a blessing.

More fun times. I took Griffin to see Dora Live here in Jax. We went with my friend Stephanie, and her little girl, Sadie. It was a blast! We went out for pizza at a cool little Italian place, then we went and enjoyed the show.

Griffin is going to be in two weddings. She is going to be the flower girl in Bart and Casey's wedding in at the end of August. Then we will all 3 be in Renee's wedding in May. So we are busy with an exciting year ahead of us.

And...we are getting a puppy on August 14th. Her name is Robin. She is part Irish Setter and Golden Retriever. We can't wait to meet her. I'm posting pictures of her from his cousin Kim.

Poem read at Jack's Funereal By : Eddie Phillips

Our elder and dear friend, Eddie Phillips, from Argyle church of Christ spoke at Jack's funereal. He took all of the fun and positive things we did with Jack and did a fantastic job. this poem was part of what he read. I read it often to remember the good days we had with Jack. Enjoy!

Adapted from a poem entitled God lent us a child.

Baby Jack’s coming gave us so much joy

And we wanted to hide him from the world and all it's pain.

To show him only laughter, and the beauty of butterflies,

The wonder of God's sunrise and of that same sun setting.
His loving family showed him the fun of a day at the park and feeding bread to the fish,

The joy of his cousins T ball game,

the silliness of the circus,
The serenity of walking on the beach at St Augustine,

Listening to the ocean and watching the clouds as they pass by.
For some stay too long and are soon too serious and stressed to laugh.

We become too busy to notice a butterfly.

We are too tired to rise for the sunrise,

and the sun setting only means the end of another day of work;

And who after childhood takes time to stop and notice the clouds?
We won't see his smile

And we won't hear his laugh anymore

'Cause time wasn't on his side.
But he taught us to look at the world through a child's eyes

And to take time to enjoy life's simple joys.
God lent us a child

For us to love and to care for.

He couldn't promise he would stay

Since all from earth return.
No, we'll never forget him;

We'll never let him out of our hearts;

And we'll hold on to the memories.
We will think of him as resting from his struggles

in a place of warmth and comfort

Where there are no days and years.

We give him back to you, O Lord,

Who first gave him to us,

In heaven with Jesus,

where again we shall meet.

Can't help but wonder...

Why did it happen? Why did we lose our baby boy? I was standing in the kitchen washing dishes, and watching Griffin play in the den with one of her friends, Presley. I suddenly got a lump in my throat thinking that I could picture Jack crawling and toddling in the middle of the girls and the Barbie's they were playing with.

I always wonder how different my house would sound if he were here with us. There is ALWAYS a void, a missing piece. It makes me want to scream and bang my hands on this keyboard. We were cheated out of having a little boy. Ryan always wanted a son. I prayed for a son for Ryan. Griffin wanted a brother. And I know that Jack will always be our son and Griffin's brother, but why can't he be here with us? Part of our life here on Earth? Even if we were to have 5 more kids, they will never be Jack. We will never see his physical body, or know his personality again. That grief is too much. The pain is too heavy. I KNOW that he is in a better place. Everyone means well by saying that, but...it still HURTS.

My arms are dying to hold him, my lips quiver to kiss him again. At times I can barely breathe. Why can't he be here? It was too short. The time was not long enough. We had so much to share, to give him, to teach him, to do with him.

Our dream of being a family of 4 was cut down. We still are a family, but we are broken in a way that can't be fixed. The pain is far to great to recover. We continue to go on, but it is not the same. We were all too young to bare such a loss. Griffin is too young to already know of death, especially of a brother. The shock and reality of our loss hits me at times harder than others. I think since I have been sick I've had more time to miss him and think of him. So I am venting here. I know we will find strength to renew our spirits. We always seem to get a little blessing when we feel really low. This grief continues to rise and fall, and the times it hits me usually takes me by surprise. Something small will trigger it, and before I know it, it hurts the same as it did in November.