Bring the Rain

I found a beautiful song of praise by Mercy Me. It is just the thing I needed to hear to help me keep pushing through this very hard year. I hope you enjoy the Lyrics. It is a beautiful song.

"Bring the Rain"
By: Mercy Me
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that
I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I prayHoly, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

9 months old

Today Jack would be 9 months old. This is some of my favorite times in a baby's life. They are so cuddly and chubby. They are usually crawling and starting to pull up on everything. They have so much personality and attitude. They are babbling and maybe saying a few funny words, and eatting little finger food snacks. So much that I miss and try to picture of my Baby Jack.

People ask me if it is getting easier, and the answer is NO! It become managable, but not easier. I can set aside time to grieve most of the time, but sometimes something will hit you and you can't help but fall apart. I really try to concentrate on the happy times and the positive times, and find ways to honor his life. That is all for now.

A big step

This past Wednesday I had my friend Peggy come and help me reorganize Jack's room. Peggy has been helping me reorganize things around my house. She has been so good about just nudging me along in some things that I needed to do, but have not had time or energy to do.

I waited a long time to fix up a nursery because I was afraid of undoing it. After Jack got here I knew he needed and I wanted to have special room just like I did with Griffin. It has a cowboy/western theme, including His name in red bandanna letters on the wall. Right after the funereal I would go in Jack's room and cry, look through pictures, read, and just look around and remember him. Then for a little while I could not go in there because the reminders were just too hard. And then things started piling up in there like cards, news paper clipping from his obituary, books about grieving, photo albums, and things like that. Then I finally moved the bassinet from mine and Ryan's room into his already very tiny room. One day I looked in there and thought, this is not what I want. I want to be able to go in there and enjoy the room, and enjoy the happy memories of Jack and the joy he brought us.

So Peggy came over and said we could go through and take breaks when I needed to. We went through Jack's clothes, and I put some of my favorites in a zip lock bag (like Melissa suggested, Thanks!) I put them in a drawer where I could get to them open them, smell them, touch them, and just remember. I had been buying some Rubbermaid storage bins for this reason. I knew the time was coming and there was so much I wanted to keep. We used one bin to put more of my favorite outfits, blankets. pacifiers, socks, hats, and bibs in. We used another bin and filled with his stuffed animals and toys that were meaningful and given to us by loved ones. Then we filled up sacks with hospital things like blankets and supplies that I had no attachment, and not very good memories attached to. I cried many time through the process and Peggy would stop hug me and let me take as long as I needed. When we got to his closet filled with precious outfits that he was never able to wear, I became pretty sad. They had tags on them, and she helped me put them in brown paper bags. She offered to return them if i wanted her to, and maybe one day I will, but right now I have them stored in the closet in neat little stacks. I don't think I'm ready to part with them quite yet.

I thought Ryan and I might want to take down his crib this weekend, so I put all of his bedding in a bin also. I was thinking if we took it down I might put a desk there so I can scrap book, read, do devotionals, and other "meaningful" things there, not bills or other "business" things. I want to enjoy his room and enjoy soaking in the happy memories of Jack.

When Ryan came home from work he said the room looked really good. I kept the walls the same with all his pictures, his name, his clock, his shelves, and everything on the walls like it was before. The room was just more organized and in a way that I could get to things that are special to us. Ryan did say that he was not quite ready to take down the crib, which is fine with me, I think too many changes would have been too hard, and too much. I think it was just enough for this first step. Peggy said she thought we get the worst over with, and there is no rush to take the next step. Thank you Peggy so much for your kindness, patience, and gift for organizing (which I don't have), and taking the time to be with me through this.

Love you, Amanda

Jack's Bombers

This weekend turned out to be so great. Thank you to all who came out to support us. Thank you especially to Tessa and Leland whole put everything together. Ryan, Griffin, and I were so touched and humbled by this event. We know that Jack's little life was celebrated by our family and friends on that beautiful Saturday. We will never forget the opening ceremony and Griffin throwing out the first pitch to start off the games. We have really been blessed by the support we have been given the past year. Thank you for your prayers and love. Please continue to think of us as we continue facing emotional times as the days and months keep rolling in. Also as we try to find our "new normal", whatever normal is. We just know we are not the same as we were before, and that is okay. I hope you enjoy some of the pictures from the tournament. Ryan had a team to play as well as 26 mens' teams from Florida, Georgia, and even Alabama. Also 5 girls' teams, including Tessa's who all wore butterfly tattoos on their arms in honor of Jack. Thank you for the smallest details. It really meant a lot. There was also a table set up to display some of Jack's things including; our black and white photos of our family, Jack's baseball bat and ball, his little basball hat and shoes, the baseball outfit he wore to Wilson's tee-ballgame, the scrapebook I made him, and a poster that Tessa and Leland had made with all the sponsors listed, and that the proceeds went to us and to PedsCare.
The day was great with a lot of laughs, smiles, hugs, and cheering. Jack's Bombers won 2 games and lost 2. The last game went into two extra ennings because it was tied up. There were several players on our team who knocked them slam outta the park. Our team was good friends and coworkers from Jacksonville, family from Valdosta, and a good friend from Atlanta. Thank you guys for playing in honor of our baby boy.
Sunday on our way home, Ryan and I looked at each other in the car and just started crying at how wonderful the weekend turned out. I think we both had been holding back all of our emotions. They were tears of joy, saddness, and pride for Baby Jack. We love you Bubby, and know you enjoyed the scenes of the day as much as we did.

6th Annual Delta Chi Softball Tournament

A good friend of my family's, Tessa Green Wilkes, contacted us about a softball tournament in honor and memory of our Sweet Baby Jack. The following is the write up for the tournament.
Ryan has a team playing, and Griffin will be throwing out the first pitch of the games at an opening ceremony that starts at 8:00 am tomorrow Sat. Feb. 21st. morning. We are excited, nervous, and humbled by this very kind gift of love and support. We pray for good weather and safety of all travelling and playing. I also pray that this will honor the life of our precious baby.

Place: Freedom Park Complex, Valdosta, Georgia
Date: February 21st, 2009
BENEFIT:
Last year the members of Delta Chi helped the Simpson family raise money to assist with medical expenses for their daughter, Mary Elizabeth (“Emmy”).
This year's tournament will benefit the family of Jack Ryan Lee and Peds Care of Jacksonville, Florida.
Jack was the son of Ryan and Amanda Lee, and little brother to Griffin Lee, all of Jacksonville. Amanda is from Valdosta and is the daughter of Graham and Diane Fiveash. During a routine ultrasound, the doctors found a heart abnormality, however could not pinpoint exactly how to successfully treat the medical condition. Doctors even claimed the baby would not survive the pregnancy. To everyone's surprise, Jack was born weighing only 3lbs, 14 ounces, but displaying his strong will with a new born-infant cry. For the next few months he spent a great deal of time in and out of the NICU of the Baptist Hospital and Wolson's Hospital in Jacksonville.Jack had to undergo many tests; was put on oxygen; suffered from pneumonia, jaundice and seizures; and because his food often went into his windpipes, he needed a feeding tube to prevent choking. Through it all, he could still find the strength to smile just when his parents needed it most. Jack passed away in early November, 2008, leaving his family to carry on his cherished memory.
We would like to help them in doing so with the support of our community. A portion of these proceeds will be donated to Lee family for assistance with any medical, travel, and funeral expenses associated with Jack's life. The remaining proceeds will be donated to Peds Care of Jacksonville, Florida, in Jack's name. Peds Care, in collaboration with Community Hospice, provides a support network to families of children with life-threatening conditions, and in the Lee's case, became very dear friends to their family. We appreciate any contributions you may be able to offer to help the Lee family and Peds Care.

GENERAL INFORMATION:The Delta Chi Winterball Tournament is a local softball tournament hosted by the Valdosta Chapter of the Delta Chi Fraternity. This is the sixth year running, and each year the tournament is held to benefit a local cause. The tournament will be composed of teams from all over the state of Georgia and North Florida; college and open.

Happy Valentine's Day Bubby!!!

WE had a very nice Valentine's day. I cooked Griffin and Ryan a V-Day breakfast of waffles, eggs, and fresh strawberries. Then we opened some gifts. We got Ryan some pj bottoms with hearts. Griffin got a Minnie Mouse mail box filled with goodies from me and a rose and a balloon from her Dad. Ryan got me a dozen roses and a movie. We spent a laid back day around the house and then Me, Ryan, and Griffin went to Jeff and Allison's house for a V-Day meal with their little boy Carson, our friends LK and Monica, and their little girl Brooke. LK made chicken parm and Alfredo. It was SO good. Then the kids wrote notes and drew pictures on cards that we attached to balloons and sent up to Heaven for Baby Jack. It was a very sweet moment. It was dark outside so we could not get pictures of balloons in the air, but we got some cute ones of the kids.

My Valentine's gift to Jack was that I made his scrapbook. It turned out really nice. I took pictures of each page, and I'll try to post them this week. Some are hard to see but it turned out so good. Griffin and Ryan really like it. It will be so nice to have for Griffin and me to sit down and look through.

I hope that you all had a blessed day with your loved one.
Sincerely,
Amanda
Happy Valentine's Day to my family! I love you Ryan, Griffin, and Jack!!!! XOXOXO

Quote from Beth Moore Study

My friend Shannon and I were talking yesterday about Jack and her sweet baby Olivia, who is also in Heaven. I shared with her some of what I was feeling and she sent me this quote:

It's from the Beth Moore study A Woman's Heart: God's Dwelling Place.

...Some Christians think God doesn't care whether our bodies are in shape or, frankly, what we do with them. That is simply not true. I'll always remember the words of a very good friend who lost a precious two-year-old son in an accident. I returned a few weeks after the funeral to minister to her in her tremendous pain. Instead, I learned a lot myself. She told me that as she stood over the casket, many well-meaning family members and friends said: "Ginny, walk away from it. He's not there anymore." Some of those same persons even dissuaded her from visiting the grave site to take fresh flowers: "He's not there, Ginny. He's with Jesus."She said: "Beth, I knew he wasn't in there anymore. I knew that better than anyone. I also know that his little soul and spirit are not in that grave. I know that! But the body that came from my own, that I held and kissed, the hair I washed and brushed, the hand I secured in mine as we walked across the street, the face I cherished, and the frame I rocked were in there. And I loved them!"Those were the most honest words I have ever heard a grieving person utter. If my friend - a mother made of flesh and blood who has relatively limited capabilities to love - could make such a statement, how much more our limitless Heavenly Father loves His children, our bodies and all! We are the works of His hands!

The words in BOLD sum up exactly how I feel. God help me! Amanda