How bout some good news

Alright...I know my last few blogs have been really low. I'm sure most folks have about stopped reading because it is pretty depressing. So...how bout some good news!

Here we go. I got a job teaching Kindergarten. That is new and exciting. I will teach every morning at my same school Mandarin Oaks. I will teach mornings, and my friend Lisa will teach afternoons. She has a newborn cutie, Reed. So it will give us both a great opportunity to stay in the classroom part time and then be home with our kiddos too. Griffin will be VPK every morning. So as soon as I get off work, she will be done with school and we will have the afternoons to hang out. It is her last year before Kindergarten, and then she will be with me at my school. Yay! What a blessing.

More fun times. I took Griffin to see Dora Live here in Jax. We went with my friend Stephanie, and her little girl, Sadie. It was a blast! We went out for pizza at a cool little Italian place, then we went and enjoyed the show.

Griffin is going to be in two weddings. She is going to be the flower girl in Bart and Casey's wedding in at the end of August. Then we will all 3 be in Renee's wedding in May. So we are busy with an exciting year ahead of us.

And...we are getting a puppy on August 14th. Her name is Robin. She is part Irish Setter and Golden Retriever. We can't wait to meet her. I'm posting pictures of her from his cousin Kim.

Poem read at Jack's Funereal By : Eddie Phillips

Our elder and dear friend, Eddie Phillips, from Argyle church of Christ spoke at Jack's funereal. He took all of the fun and positive things we did with Jack and did a fantastic job. this poem was part of what he read. I read it often to remember the good days we had with Jack. Enjoy!

Adapted from a poem entitled God lent us a child.

Baby Jack’s coming gave us so much joy

And we wanted to hide him from the world and all it's pain.

To show him only laughter, and the beauty of butterflies,

The wonder of God's sunrise and of that same sun setting.
His loving family showed him the fun of a day at the park and feeding bread to the fish,

The joy of his cousins T ball game,

the silliness of the circus,
The serenity of walking on the beach at St Augustine,

Listening to the ocean and watching the clouds as they pass by.
For some stay too long and are soon too serious and stressed to laugh.

We become too busy to notice a butterfly.

We are too tired to rise for the sunrise,

and the sun setting only means the end of another day of work;

And who after childhood takes time to stop and notice the clouds?
We won't see his smile

And we won't hear his laugh anymore

'Cause time wasn't on his side.
But he taught us to look at the world through a child's eyes

And to take time to enjoy life's simple joys.
God lent us a child

For us to love and to care for.

He couldn't promise he would stay

Since all from earth return.
No, we'll never forget him;

We'll never let him out of our hearts;

And we'll hold on to the memories.
We will think of him as resting from his struggles

in a place of warmth and comfort

Where there are no days and years.

We give him back to you, O Lord,

Who first gave him to us,

In heaven with Jesus,

where again we shall meet.

Can't help but wonder...

Why did it happen? Why did we lose our baby boy? I was standing in the kitchen washing dishes, and watching Griffin play in the den with one of her friends, Presley. I suddenly got a lump in my throat thinking that I could picture Jack crawling and toddling in the middle of the girls and the Barbie's they were playing with.

I always wonder how different my house would sound if he were here with us. There is ALWAYS a void, a missing piece. It makes me want to scream and bang my hands on this keyboard. We were cheated out of having a little boy. Ryan always wanted a son. I prayed for a son for Ryan. Griffin wanted a brother. And I know that Jack will always be our son and Griffin's brother, but why can't he be here with us? Part of our life here on Earth? Even if we were to have 5 more kids, they will never be Jack. We will never see his physical body, or know his personality again. That grief is too much. The pain is too heavy. I KNOW that he is in a better place. Everyone means well by saying that, but...it still HURTS.

My arms are dying to hold him, my lips quiver to kiss him again. At times I can barely breathe. Why can't he be here? It was too short. The time was not long enough. We had so much to share, to give him, to teach him, to do with him.

Our dream of being a family of 4 was cut down. We still are a family, but we are broken in a way that can't be fixed. The pain is far to great to recover. We continue to go on, but it is not the same. We were all too young to bare such a loss. Griffin is too young to already know of death, especially of a brother. The shock and reality of our loss hits me at times harder than others. I think since I have been sick I've had more time to miss him and think of him. So I am venting here. I know we will find strength to renew our spirits. We always seem to get a little blessing when we feel really low. This grief continues to rise and fall, and the times it hits me usually takes me by surprise. Something small will trigger it, and before I know it, it hurts the same as it did in November.

Florida Bible Camp and the Flu

Last week I went to work in the kitchen at Florida bible Camp. It was the week my church Argyle and Central go together. I grew up going to that camp for several summers and i wanted to go back and work in the kitchen. It was a blast. I went tuesday night and stayed til thursday night. Just a couple of days. While there I went tubing down the Itchatucknee (sp?) with all the campers. That was fun too. then on my way home thursday night I started feeling achey. i woke up Friday morning running a fever of 101.9. YUCK!! I haven't had a fever like that in a long time, and it has been kicking my butt ever since then. Here it is Wed. and still I am worn out. i think that I am getting better, but I just have NO energy. I hear that it was a nasty bug running through camp. Like 20 plus kids have gotten it on different levels. I'm ready to be done.

Busy Summer

This is a blog for a catch up on all The Lee Family is doing.

Griffin recently attended VBS at Argyle COC. She had a blast. On the last night she was called up on stage to play as the "Kid Contestant" in the Studio Game Show. She was able to answer the question right (with a little help from the studio audience). She loved it because our Youth minister Nathan, and my good friend Stephanie, Sadie's Mom, also played, lost, and got slimmed that night in front of all the kids. So cute.

Also during that week we went to Daytona Beach with Mom, Dad, and Aunt Sarah. We had a blast at the pool that had a Lazy River, and huge water slide, and of course the beach. Griffin is becoming quite the fish. We also spent a couple of days meeting up with Matt, Jennifer, and Karli Malone at the beach in Jacksonville. Karli and Griff had a blast playing and drinking "Man Drinks"(AKA Capri Suns, but Karli calls them that because the have a little surfer man, or some other sports guy on the front). We have laughed about that a lot.

Then after VBS we did a family service project called "Waste Not, Want Not" wit hour friends, The Sohms, at church. We rescued food from the Mandarin area Publix stores, and then wen to a delivery/pick up site and helped load food into cars of those who can get the food to homeless of Jacksonville or needy families. It was eye opening, and I'm thankful I got to share this with Ryan and Griffin. We will probably be doing this again soon if anyone would like to join us.

Ryan has been very busy with work. He is still working at the hospital in Jax. Memorial Hospital and Mayo Clinic. He is certified Medical gas, so he and his crew install the gas in hospital room, emergency rooms, and operating rooms. He enjoys that work. He still has to get outside and do a lot of the hard labor too, replacing older pipes and all that stuff. His boss is a blessing to us, and he enjoys fishing with him and another buddy from work. Ryan also plays softball two nights a week, when its not raining. It rains almost every afternoon here.

I'm starting a a Children's Chorus at my church for ages 3-5th grade. We have had one meeting and one practice, and it has been such a joy. I have about 15 kids, and they are so sweet. They are mostly younger. Griffin loves it, and she helps me pick out the music. We plan to sing at our church events like our yearly Trunk or Treat, maybe a Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter party. Those kind of things. We may also try to visit a few nursing homes. It has already been a blessing to me just to hear those little voices, and get to spend time around the kids. I'll post pics sometime.

I am still trying to cope with the loss of our sweet Jack. It is a daily struggle! I try to keep positive and live in the present as much as possible. I still find my time to grieve, mostly when I am alone. He is still so much a part of us. We try to keep his spirit alive in all that we do. We don't want him to be forgotten. We carry him with us in our hearts.

This past weekend was my sister, Sarah's, birthday. It was a lot of fun to go back to Valdosta and spend time with family and friends. We had a family cookout where Griffin and Kimberly spent their day picking blueberries, swimming, and riding around on "The Bulldog".

While in Valdosta Griffin and I also went visit my friend Sara and Griff's little friend, Sydney. It was fun we took pics of them at the park. It was a great trip.

So now I feel a little more caught up. It was a LONG post.

Beautiful Moment

The past few weeks have been really busy, and I have been a little too emotional to blog.
Where should I begin?

Jack's 1st birthday week was much better then expected. Griffin left Sat. before his birthday and went to stay with my Mom and Dad, so I could make all the arrangements for the butterfly release. It also gave me some time to grieve. Mom's church was having VBS, so I knew Griffin was having fun and playing with friends and cousins. So while I was at home i looked thought pics of us with Jack, and cried. I watched our videos, which just don't seem like enough. Ryan and I did go to dinner one night, and then we did some cleaning around the house. I had been wanting to clean our carpets, and stuff so that kinda kept us busy and burned off some stress. We also did some yard work and planted flowers. My Aunt Sandra sent me some money to buy some butterfly bushes for the back yard. We planted a garden a few weeks earlier with a butterfly flag, wind chimes, and such in the backyard for Jack. So we added some fresh flowers and the butterfly bushes I bought at the butterfly farm.

Tuesday morning my friend, Charlotte and
I drove to Gainesville, FL to pick up my butterfly order. While we were there I scheduled a tour of the garden for me and her. I thought it might be a cool and interesting distraction for the coming day. It was neat. My dear friend was a joy to bring along. She and my friend, Allison also bought me some butterfly bushes, Lantana, and Milkweed. These are all butterfly and caterpillar attracting plants. Very cool. So Ryan added them to our flower garden.

Tuesday night, before Jack's birthday, Ryan and I drove to Valdosta and met Griffin, Mom, and Dad at church for Griff's final night at VBS. We went to Mom and Dad's and got up early and went to the cemetery. I took Jack a birthday flower arrangement, and we sang Happy birthday to Jack. Then we spent a little time taking pics, and telling him we love him and miss him. It is still so shocking. It is unreal, that our son is actually buried, and not with us.

Then we drove back to Valdosta for Griffin last ballet class before her big recital. Then we got home and got ready for a few close friends and family to come over for the butterfly release. Jack's nurse, Janine, his doctor, Dr. Kelly, and "The Puppet Lady", Ms. Sharon, came to spend the evening honoring Jack. At 6:18 PM we released the butterflies. A lot flew off, but several stayed around and fluttered around the kids, and me, Ryan, and Griffin. It was really special. I can't even put into words how perfect it was. Then we went inside to food that my sweet friend prepared including an apple cake with sliced apples in the shape of a butterfly on the top, made by my sweet friend, Jennifer.

We are blessed by the love and support of dear friends, and loving family. I know Jack was smiling down from Heaven. There is an Indian Legend about Butterflies. If you whisper a message to them they can carry the message to Heaven to our loved ones there. I shared this with all the guests, so we all whispered messages to Jack before we released them. It was a very beautiful moment.

I'll post more about dance recital with pictures soon.

Jack's Birthday: Wed. June 10th

Jack's birthday is this Wednesday. I can't believe a year has come and gone. Wow to think back at the expectations and uncertainty that Ryan and I had. The birth of that sweet little boy turned our lives upside down. I wish I could explain all the emotions that we were flooded with. Helpless but hopeful. Scared but with an unexplainable peace. We always knew that God was in charge when it came to Jack. It was like every step we took God was leading the way. Thank the Lord for that. i think looking back now I can see that even more.

For Jack's birthday we are doing a butterfly release here at our house. He was born at 6:18 pm, so that is when we will release them. I am also wrapping a special gift for Griffin to open for her brother. I'll share pictures later. Please pray for us the next few days, especially Wed. I know it is going to be very emotional. A lot of emotions are hitting me like waves. The sadness and emptiness of losing him. Wondering what life would have been like with Jack. Wishing I could see his little smile and hold him in my arms. I loved kissing under his little chin tight on his neck. I miss that so much. So much to miss and replay in my mind. I always run his life like a movie through my head. Trying to hang on to everything.

I read a book a few months ago; Lament For A Son by: Nicholas Wolterstorff. It is about a man who lost his son when his son was mountain climbing. It is a different situation, his son was older, but a lot of the pain is the same. He sums up some of how I'm feeling, and how I feel daily in words that pierce my heart.

"It is the neverness that is so painful. Never to be here with us-never sit with us at the table, never travel with us, never laugh with us, never to embrace us as he leaves for school, never to see his sister marry."

"It's so wrong, so profoundly wrong for a child to die before its parents."

"I lament all that might have been, and now will never be."

"The TEARS...streamed down, and I let them flow as freely as they would, making of them a pillow for my heart. On them I rested." ~Augustine

Jack,
I hope you have a birthday party in Heaven. I hope the angels sing the most beautiful birthday song ever heard. We love you, and we will be sending butterflies your way. Enjoy the sight as friends and family gather to send up our love. You are, and will always be my sweet baby boy. God blessed me when he sent you down to spend a precious moment with us.
My love to you,
Mommy