Ryan, Griffin, and I have been spending the last couple of days at home just trying to figure out how to live normally. (What ever normal is!) It is quiet, all of us are trying to adjust to life without Jack. Even Griffin can tell a major change has occured. She has a few questions everyday, and we have just tried to answer them as honestly and as much on her level as we can. She asks where Jack is, and I ask her where does she think he is. She said she did not know. I told her in Heaven and in our hearts. She always tells me that Jesus is in our hearts so she asked if Jack was in our hearts with Jesus. We both smiled about that. Then she wanted to know if Jack and Jesus were in Daddy's heart, grandmothers, nanas, her papa, and her second papa, and her two aunts (Ryan's sisters, Kristal and Renee), and aunt Sadie(My sister Sarah). And she seemed happy with that. She says she misses Jack and wishes he could come home. I told her me and Daddy missed him very much and wished the same thing.
We got Christmas pictures today of Jack and Griff sitting in Santa's lap. On Nov. 7th we took them both to a prof. photographer who volunteered through the PedsCare program, and he donated Christmas pics for the families of kids that are sick or have special needs in the PedsCare program. It is a memory and a picture I will always treasure for many years to come. It may hang year round in our home. I will try to post one of the pics very soon.
I still don't quite know what to do with myself. Each night, after Griffin goes to bed, I sit in Jack's nursery and read or just straighten up. I unfold and refold some of his cloths, look at pictures, just touch some of his things, just trying to let his memories sink in. It is so frustrating how fast things change. I try to find his smell on his cloths or blankets, and I can't really find it. I makes me cry and it makes me mad that I can't hang on to those things. It is like everything I try to hold on to slips right out of my hands.
The lyrics to the following song are "Broken" By Lifehouse. It kind of sums up how I'm feeling right now. It is very long so don't feel like you have to read this extremely long blog. It is just on my heart right now:
"Broken"
The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healingIn your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' onI'm barely holdin' on to you
The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathingwith a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healingIn your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm hangin' on another dayJust to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you sayYou said that I will be OK
The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathingwith a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healingIn your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),I'm barely holdin' on to you I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),I'm barely holdin' on to you
Mommy loves you Baby Jack!
9 years ago
