Jack's Day

Yesterday, November 12, 2009 was one year ago since Jack passed away. I had been dreading it all week, and all year long. I decided to take a few days off of school just to be with Griffin and go to Valdosta. Yesterday morning, Ryan and I started the morning with a prayer for peace and comfort for our family. Ryan led the most beautiful prayer and just talked to God about our feelings of losing Jack, and how Jack had changed our lives. Then he prayed for Griffin and our future of whether we will have anymore kids. We prayed that they would be healthy and that Griffin would be healthy. We also prayed for all the people who's lives Jack touched. At about 10 until 7:00 (the hour Jack went to Heaven) I lit a candle in his room, grabbed one of his baby blankets, and snuggled up in the twin bed in his room. I dozed on and off praying and remembering Jack. I treasured each smile and kiss. Then I cried for the sadness and pain of loss and any suffering he may have endured. After I got up I started getting text messages and facebook messages of how other friends and family were celebrating Jack's life. People were releasing balloons with their kids they had decorated with messages to Jack. They were wearing BUTTERFLY clothes, scrubs, pins, and necklaces that day to work. They were lighting candles and praying for us all day long. I was so encouraged by those messages. I also had a friend from Perry, Florida who's little girl had her Earthly birthday yesterday. She had messaged me that they would light a cupcake candle for Jack's Heavenly Birthday. I LOVED that, I had never thought of it that way. I have to share her quote from her kids:

"We just had our little Jack cupcake celebration...and Caroline sang over and over...and over and over....and over and over "Happy Heavenly Birthday to you", until Carson (who is 4) finally put his hand to his ear and said...and I quote..."What? (pause) Caroline, Baby Jack just talked to me. He said you can't sing and to please be quiet." :)

Don't you just love kids? I love how children just fell in love with Jack too and prayed for him and celebrated his life, and his transition of life into Heaven. God bless the little children.

Griffin and I then hit the road to Valdosta. We met Dad and Sarah for lunch (Mom was out of town with her sisters, and very much missed) and then the four of us got balloons and released them at sunset at the cemetery where Jack is in Valdosta. We stood and watched as the balloons lifted into Heaven. It was a precious and beautiful site. Griffin choose a flower balloon. She wrote a message and drew a picture of Jack on her card. She tells me often. "Mom, I am growing up on Earth and Jack is growing up in heaven!" I tell her that is right. We often talk about what Jack is doing in Heaven as he grows. What sweet conversations. It started to look rainy as we were leaving the cemetery. She was real quite and then she said, "Mom, why does it rain?" I said, "Well, God is watering the plants, tree, and flowers." She thought a minute and said, "Man, God has a really big watering can!" I love her vision of God. She is my precious saving grace. She keeps me going and lightens the mood when the sadness gets too tense or too sad.

The experience of the week and day ended up very special! It was a time of reflection and sharing with all the others who loved Jack as well. I was touched by all the sweet ways that people celebrated Jack's special day. Love to all!
Blessings!!!

When You're 15

I love this Taylor Swift Song. It reminds me of being young. The first day of High School, driving my first car, and all the fun memories I made with my friends. Also my first crush, my first date, and my first kiss. That time in a girl's life is so scary and special at the same time. The song also makes me fast forward just a few short (11 years) when Griffin will be 15. I am already praying that her experiences will be positive, and that she will not face too much heartache. I pray she makes good decisions, and seeks God first. I know I can't protect her from everything, but I pray for wisdom to raise my daughter as a good christian example who loves God, her family, and her friends.
Enjoy the Lyrics!

Fifteen lyricsSongwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;

"You take a deep breath and you walk through the doors
It's the morning of your very first day
And you say hi to your friends you ain't seen in a while
Try and stay out of everybody's wayIt's your freshman year and you're gonna be here
For the next four years in this town
Hoping one of those senior boys will wink at you and say
"You know, I haven't seen you around before"'
Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen feeling like there's nothing to figure out
Well, count to ten, take it in
This is life before you know who you're gonna beFifteen
You sit in class next to a redhead named Abigail
And soon enough you're best friends
Laughing at the other girls who think they're so cool
We'll be outta here as soon as we can
And then you're on your very first date and he's got a car
And you're feeling like flying
And you're momma's waiting up and you're thinking he's the one
And you're dancing 'round your room when the night ends
When the night ends'
Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
When you're fifteen and your first kiss
Makes your head spin 'round
But in your life you'll do things greater than
Dating the boy on the football team
But I didn't know it at fifteen
When all you wanted was to be wanted
Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now
Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday
But I realized some bigger dreams of mine
And Abigail gave everything she had to a boy
Who changed his mind and we both cried'
Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen, don't forget to look before you fall
I've found time can heal most anything
And you just might find who you're supposed to be
I didn't know who I was supposed to be at fifteen
Your very first day
Take a deep breath girl
Take a deep breath as you walk through the doors."

Fall Fun

We have been very busy and since I have joined facebook, I don't keep up with my blog as well. So here is an overview. Griff and I have been doing some "grief" work and found out we are pretty healthy and handeling things normal and good. That was a BIG relief. Only by God's grace am I even surviving this. Some days are better than other, and medicine helps too, but just a little something to help take the edge off. Working and staying busy helps. I am still so thankful I can work part time, and spend my afternoons with Griff and Robin. Today we went to PETCO and picked out a goodie bag of treats for Robin and then went to the park and played. It was a BEAUTIFUL afternoon. It was good to get fresh air and sunshine.

Last weekend we went to Atlanta to see family and friends. We visited a GIANT pumpkin patch there with Kim, Adam, and Great Grandma. Then Sunday morning we went to our old church, Grace Chapel Church of Christ, and it was great.
Mom and Dad came to visit this past weekend and we went to the corn maize with some friends from church. We also went to the pumpkin patch down the street from our house. It was a great weekend. I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

"Tear Soup" By Pat Schwiebert and chuck DeKlyen

"Tear soup is a way for you to sort through all the different types of feelings and memories you have when you lose someone or something special."

"Because of her great loss, she knew her recipe fir tear soup would call for a big pot. With a big pot she would have plenty of room for all the memories, misgivings, all the feelings and all the tears she needed to stew in the pot over time."

"Some days when you're making tear soup it's even hard to breathe. Some days you feel like running away. You just hope a better day comes along soon. And then comes one of the hardest parts of making tear soup,"
"It's when you decided it might be okay to eat something instead of soup all the time."

"I've learned that grief, like a pot of soup, changes the longer it simmers and the more things you put into it.
And most importantly, I've learned that there is something down deep within all of us ready to help us survive the things we think we can't survive."

Human Nature

Here are the scriptures from the sermon I talked about. My Dad talked to his preacher, Bryan, and he sent the verses and a quote to him.

"What a heavy burden God has laid on men!
Ecclesiastes 1:13b

Hebrews 13:5b
…. because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.“

1 Peter 2:9a
But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood,
a holy nation, a people belonging to God …

Ephesians 2:10a
For we are God's workmanship …

1 Corinthians 6:17
But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.

Philippians 4:13
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Psalms 112:1
Praise the Lord.
Blessed is the man who fears the Lord,
who finds great delight in his commands.

He will have no fear of bad news;
his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.
Psalms 112:7

This is the quote from Dr. John Mark Hicks …

“My problem–indeed, humanity’s tendency – is to allow sadness to become my reality and my identity. It has defined me at times. It has colored everything in my life, blinded me to the vibrancy of life’s colors, and distorted my joys. It was often easier to feel nothing rather than risk feeling the sadness again, and thus life becomes bland, grey and emotionless. It then becomes easy to put up a facade and live quite comfortably in my own shack
of self-pity and despair. When sadness becomes our identity, everything else becomes meaningless. In the language of Ecclesiastes, when futility and meaningless become our vision of life, life itself is a burden. When we park our heart in sadness we lose our very personhood and purpose. But this is not God’s intent for us.”

God Bless … Bryan

Thank you Dad and Mr. Bryan for sharing and encouraging!

The Shack

I recently finished reading "The Shack". It was a great book, especially for what we have gone through. I love the time that Mack spent at the Shack with God, Jesus and the holy spirit. I wish I could have an experience like that weekend with the Holy Trinity.

And even more life changing was a sermon I heard in Valdosta this past Sunday. It was based on "the shack", not the book but the symbolic place that we go when we are troubled, and dealing with a "great sadness". I have been camping in my own personal Shack for about a yer and a half. Ever since I found out about my pregnancy not being "normal" I have been grieving. Then all the stress, uncertainty, joy, memories, and sadness that Jack's life and death brought to our family. I found myself running to the shack, by myself, any chance I got. Looking through pictures, watching videos and DVDs of Jack's life, and even listening to his funereal recorded on a CD when I was driving alone in my car. I know that it probably normal for anyone grieving. I guess I feel like the sadness is where my baby and the memories are. The sadness keeps me close to him, and moving on to a happiness is moving farther from Jack, and our life with him. I spent my time feeling guilt from being happy, and guilt from being sad. I still do not have a clue how to handle this, but I know that God does not want us to camp out and dwell in our shack. Please pray for me as I continue to search for the right space to be in. I want to enjoy the present with Ryan, Griffin, our family and friends. But I never want to be removed from the past and the love I have for Jack, and how much he means to me, or how much I miss him. I also long for a future of love and happiness, and possible one day more children.

On a positive note, I started my Kindergarten class. We are in week two. It is so much fun. I teach half days and it is working great. Today we went and met Griffin's VPK teacher and saw her classroom. Ryan took an early lunch and we all three went to her school and enjoyed lunch together. Now Griffin and I are home with robin, our new puppy, and doing well. I'll try to add new pics soon. Computer is running slow. Love to my readers!

How bout some good news

Alright...I know my last few blogs have been really low. I'm sure most folks have about stopped reading because it is pretty depressing. So...how bout some good news!

Here we go. I got a job teaching Kindergarten. That is new and exciting. I will teach every morning at my same school Mandarin Oaks. I will teach mornings, and my friend Lisa will teach afternoons. She has a newborn cutie, Reed. So it will give us both a great opportunity to stay in the classroom part time and then be home with our kiddos too. Griffin will be VPK every morning. So as soon as I get off work, she will be done with school and we will have the afternoons to hang out. It is her last year before Kindergarten, and then she will be with me at my school. Yay! What a blessing.

More fun times. I took Griffin to see Dora Live here in Jax. We went with my friend Stephanie, and her little girl, Sadie. It was a blast! We went out for pizza at a cool little Italian place, then we went and enjoyed the show.

Griffin is going to be in two weddings. She is going to be the flower girl in Bart and Casey's wedding in at the end of August. Then we will all 3 be in Renee's wedding in May. So we are busy with an exciting year ahead of us.

And...we are getting a puppy on August 14th. Her name is Robin. She is part Irish Setter and Golden Retriever. We can't wait to meet her. I'm posting pictures of her from his cousin Kim.

Poem read at Jack's Funereal By : Eddie Phillips

Our elder and dear friend, Eddie Phillips, from Argyle church of Christ spoke at Jack's funereal. He took all of the fun and positive things we did with Jack and did a fantastic job. this poem was part of what he read. I read it often to remember the good days we had with Jack. Enjoy!

Adapted from a poem entitled God lent us a child.

Baby Jack’s coming gave us so much joy

And we wanted to hide him from the world and all it's pain.

To show him only laughter, and the beauty of butterflies,

The wonder of God's sunrise and of that same sun setting.
His loving family showed him the fun of a day at the park and feeding bread to the fish,

The joy of his cousins T ball game,

the silliness of the circus,
The serenity of walking on the beach at St Augustine,

Listening to the ocean and watching the clouds as they pass by.
For some stay too long and are soon too serious and stressed to laugh.

We become too busy to notice a butterfly.

We are too tired to rise for the sunrise,

and the sun setting only means the end of another day of work;

And who after childhood takes time to stop and notice the clouds?
We won't see his smile

And we won't hear his laugh anymore

'Cause time wasn't on his side.
But he taught us to look at the world through a child's eyes

And to take time to enjoy life's simple joys.
God lent us a child

For us to love and to care for.

He couldn't promise he would stay

Since all from earth return.
No, we'll never forget him;

We'll never let him out of our hearts;

And we'll hold on to the memories.
We will think of him as resting from his struggles

in a place of warmth and comfort

Where there are no days and years.

We give him back to you, O Lord,

Who first gave him to us,

In heaven with Jesus,

where again we shall meet.

Can't help but wonder...

Why did it happen? Why did we lose our baby boy? I was standing in the kitchen washing dishes, and watching Griffin play in the den with one of her friends, Presley. I suddenly got a lump in my throat thinking that I could picture Jack crawling and toddling in the middle of the girls and the Barbie's they were playing with.

I always wonder how different my house would sound if he were here with us. There is ALWAYS a void, a missing piece. It makes me want to scream and bang my hands on this keyboard. We were cheated out of having a little boy. Ryan always wanted a son. I prayed for a son for Ryan. Griffin wanted a brother. And I know that Jack will always be our son and Griffin's brother, but why can't he be here with us? Part of our life here on Earth? Even if we were to have 5 more kids, they will never be Jack. We will never see his physical body, or know his personality again. That grief is too much. The pain is too heavy. I KNOW that he is in a better place. Everyone means well by saying that, but...it still HURTS.

My arms are dying to hold him, my lips quiver to kiss him again. At times I can barely breathe. Why can't he be here? It was too short. The time was not long enough. We had so much to share, to give him, to teach him, to do with him.

Our dream of being a family of 4 was cut down. We still are a family, but we are broken in a way that can't be fixed. The pain is far to great to recover. We continue to go on, but it is not the same. We were all too young to bare such a loss. Griffin is too young to already know of death, especially of a brother. The shock and reality of our loss hits me at times harder than others. I think since I have been sick I've had more time to miss him and think of him. So I am venting here. I know we will find strength to renew our spirits. We always seem to get a little blessing when we feel really low. This grief continues to rise and fall, and the times it hits me usually takes me by surprise. Something small will trigger it, and before I know it, it hurts the same as it did in November.

Florida Bible Camp and the Flu

Last week I went to work in the kitchen at Florida bible Camp. It was the week my church Argyle and Central go together. I grew up going to that camp for several summers and i wanted to go back and work in the kitchen. It was a blast. I went tuesday night and stayed til thursday night. Just a couple of days. While there I went tubing down the Itchatucknee (sp?) with all the campers. That was fun too. then on my way home thursday night I started feeling achey. i woke up Friday morning running a fever of 101.9. YUCK!! I haven't had a fever like that in a long time, and it has been kicking my butt ever since then. Here it is Wed. and still I am worn out. i think that I am getting better, but I just have NO energy. I hear that it was a nasty bug running through camp. Like 20 plus kids have gotten it on different levels. I'm ready to be done.

Busy Summer

This is a blog for a catch up on all The Lee Family is doing.

Griffin recently attended VBS at Argyle COC. She had a blast. On the last night she was called up on stage to play as the "Kid Contestant" in the Studio Game Show. She was able to answer the question right (with a little help from the studio audience). She loved it because our Youth minister Nathan, and my good friend Stephanie, Sadie's Mom, also played, lost, and got slimmed that night in front of all the kids. So cute.

Also during that week we went to Daytona Beach with Mom, Dad, and Aunt Sarah. We had a blast at the pool that had a Lazy River, and huge water slide, and of course the beach. Griffin is becoming quite the fish. We also spent a couple of days meeting up with Matt, Jennifer, and Karli Malone at the beach in Jacksonville. Karli and Griff had a blast playing and drinking "Man Drinks"(AKA Capri Suns, but Karli calls them that because the have a little surfer man, or some other sports guy on the front). We have laughed about that a lot.

Then after VBS we did a family service project called "Waste Not, Want Not" wit hour friends, The Sohms, at church. We rescued food from the Mandarin area Publix stores, and then wen to a delivery/pick up site and helped load food into cars of those who can get the food to homeless of Jacksonville or needy families. It was eye opening, and I'm thankful I got to share this with Ryan and Griffin. We will probably be doing this again soon if anyone would like to join us.

Ryan has been very busy with work. He is still working at the hospital in Jax. Memorial Hospital and Mayo Clinic. He is certified Medical gas, so he and his crew install the gas in hospital room, emergency rooms, and operating rooms. He enjoys that work. He still has to get outside and do a lot of the hard labor too, replacing older pipes and all that stuff. His boss is a blessing to us, and he enjoys fishing with him and another buddy from work. Ryan also plays softball two nights a week, when its not raining. It rains almost every afternoon here.

I'm starting a a Children's Chorus at my church for ages 3-5th grade. We have had one meeting and one practice, and it has been such a joy. I have about 15 kids, and they are so sweet. They are mostly younger. Griffin loves it, and she helps me pick out the music. We plan to sing at our church events like our yearly Trunk or Treat, maybe a Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter party. Those kind of things. We may also try to visit a few nursing homes. It has already been a blessing to me just to hear those little voices, and get to spend time around the kids. I'll post pics sometime.

I am still trying to cope with the loss of our sweet Jack. It is a daily struggle! I try to keep positive and live in the present as much as possible. I still find my time to grieve, mostly when I am alone. He is still so much a part of us. We try to keep his spirit alive in all that we do. We don't want him to be forgotten. We carry him with us in our hearts.

This past weekend was my sister, Sarah's, birthday. It was a lot of fun to go back to Valdosta and spend time with family and friends. We had a family cookout where Griffin and Kimberly spent their day picking blueberries, swimming, and riding around on "The Bulldog".

While in Valdosta Griffin and I also went visit my friend Sara and Griff's little friend, Sydney. It was fun we took pics of them at the park. It was a great trip.

So now I feel a little more caught up. It was a LONG post.

Beautiful Moment

The past few weeks have been really busy, and I have been a little too emotional to blog.
Where should I begin?

Jack's 1st birthday week was much better then expected. Griffin left Sat. before his birthday and went to stay with my Mom and Dad, so I could make all the arrangements for the butterfly release. It also gave me some time to grieve. Mom's church was having VBS, so I knew Griffin was having fun and playing with friends and cousins. So while I was at home i looked thought pics of us with Jack, and cried. I watched our videos, which just don't seem like enough. Ryan and I did go to dinner one night, and then we did some cleaning around the house. I had been wanting to clean our carpets, and stuff so that kinda kept us busy and burned off some stress. We also did some yard work and planted flowers. My Aunt Sandra sent me some money to buy some butterfly bushes for the back yard. We planted a garden a few weeks earlier with a butterfly flag, wind chimes, and such in the backyard for Jack. So we added some fresh flowers and the butterfly bushes I bought at the butterfly farm.

Tuesday morning my friend, Charlotte and
I drove to Gainesville, FL to pick up my butterfly order. While we were there I scheduled a tour of the garden for me and her. I thought it might be a cool and interesting distraction for the coming day. It was neat. My dear friend was a joy to bring along. She and my friend, Allison also bought me some butterfly bushes, Lantana, and Milkweed. These are all butterfly and caterpillar attracting plants. Very cool. So Ryan added them to our flower garden.

Tuesday night, before Jack's birthday, Ryan and I drove to Valdosta and met Griffin, Mom, and Dad at church for Griff's final night at VBS. We went to Mom and Dad's and got up early and went to the cemetery. I took Jack a birthday flower arrangement, and we sang Happy birthday to Jack. Then we spent a little time taking pics, and telling him we love him and miss him. It is still so shocking. It is unreal, that our son is actually buried, and not with us.

Then we drove back to Valdosta for Griffin last ballet class before her big recital. Then we got home and got ready for a few close friends and family to come over for the butterfly release. Jack's nurse, Janine, his doctor, Dr. Kelly, and "The Puppet Lady", Ms. Sharon, came to spend the evening honoring Jack. At 6:18 PM we released the butterflies. A lot flew off, but several stayed around and fluttered around the kids, and me, Ryan, and Griffin. It was really special. I can't even put into words how perfect it was. Then we went inside to food that my sweet friend prepared including an apple cake with sliced apples in the shape of a butterfly on the top, made by my sweet friend, Jennifer.

We are blessed by the love and support of dear friends, and loving family. I know Jack was smiling down from Heaven. There is an Indian Legend about Butterflies. If you whisper a message to them they can carry the message to Heaven to our loved ones there. I shared this with all the guests, so we all whispered messages to Jack before we released them. It was a very beautiful moment.

I'll post more about dance recital with pictures soon.

Jack's Birthday: Wed. June 10th

Jack's birthday is this Wednesday. I can't believe a year has come and gone. Wow to think back at the expectations and uncertainty that Ryan and I had. The birth of that sweet little boy turned our lives upside down. I wish I could explain all the emotions that we were flooded with. Helpless but hopeful. Scared but with an unexplainable peace. We always knew that God was in charge when it came to Jack. It was like every step we took God was leading the way. Thank the Lord for that. i think looking back now I can see that even more.

For Jack's birthday we are doing a butterfly release here at our house. He was born at 6:18 pm, so that is when we will release them. I am also wrapping a special gift for Griffin to open for her brother. I'll share pictures later. Please pray for us the next few days, especially Wed. I know it is going to be very emotional. A lot of emotions are hitting me like waves. The sadness and emptiness of losing him. Wondering what life would have been like with Jack. Wishing I could see his little smile and hold him in my arms. I loved kissing under his little chin tight on his neck. I miss that so much. So much to miss and replay in my mind. I always run his life like a movie through my head. Trying to hang on to everything.

I read a book a few months ago; Lament For A Son by: Nicholas Wolterstorff. It is about a man who lost his son when his son was mountain climbing. It is a different situation, his son was older, but a lot of the pain is the same. He sums up some of how I'm feeling, and how I feel daily in words that pierce my heart.

"It is the neverness that is so painful. Never to be here with us-never sit with us at the table, never travel with us, never laugh with us, never to embrace us as he leaves for school, never to see his sister marry."

"It's so wrong, so profoundly wrong for a child to die before its parents."

"I lament all that might have been, and now will never be."

"The TEARS...streamed down, and I let them flow as freely as they would, making of them a pillow for my heart. On them I rested." ~Augustine

Jack,
I hope you have a birthday party in Heaven. I hope the angels sing the most beautiful birthday song ever heard. We love you, and we will be sending butterflies your way. Enjoy the sight as friends and family gather to send up our love. You are, and will always be my sweet baby boy. God blessed me when he sent you down to spend a precious moment with us.
My love to you,
Mommy

Lake Palatka with Friends

This past holiday weekend we went with our friends Jeff and Allison Martin and their little boy, Carson, and LK and Monica Wilson and their little girl, Brooke. We had the best time. We left Friday and got to the house right on the lake and unloaded groceries, got beds ready, and luggage in the house. All that settling in stuff. Then we let the little kids watch a movie and the big kids started playing board games and cards. We had so much fun. We got the kids down to sleep and we continued playing cards and laughing until about 3:00am. Then about 8:00am the kids started waking up. LK made us pancakes for breakfast, and we brewed some STRONG coffee and began our lake vacation. Jeff had a pontoon (sp?) boat and two jet skis. We brought our boat, which is a ski boat. We started the day with a boat ride. It was a beautiful day. It was so relaxing. Then we went in because of a thunder storm, and ate lunch. Then it was time for a WalMart run while it was still yucky outside. Then we got back to the lake house and started making dinner. We had spaghetti with salad, and LK made some FABULOUS bread with cheeses, parmigiana, and pesto. So yummy. Then we watched some more kids movies, and played cards until 1:00 am. At least that was when I went to bed, I think a game of Rummy went until 3:00 am. (I'm getting too old to stay up late many nights in a row). Next day we went to the Blue Crab festival by boat and jet ski. It was a lot of fun. We walked around and watched a pig race. Our favorite piggy, Snoop Hoggy Hogg won. The kids loved it. Then we swam off the side of the boat and Monica, Allison, and I raced the jet skis back to the Lake house. Poor Monica flew off and lost her glasses. Then we got back to lake house and had lunch and waited out that day's thunderstorm. Then more boat riding and that night we went out on the boat and shined bright spotlights and saw all the gators...SCARY, especially since we have all been swimming in that water. It was kinda cool though. More food, more movies, and then more cards. Allison and I spanked LK and Jeff in a VERY competitive game of Spades. The boys were talking A LOT of trash in that game, but nothing has been mentioned since then. they are denying that the game ever took place. But we know how it happened. Ryan and Monica are witnesses. Next day more eating, boating, jet skiing, and swimming. I drove Griffin on one jet ski, and Allison drove Carson on the other. It was so great to spend time with Griffin doing something really fun and different. She LOVED the jet ski. I'm also glad she got to spend her time with her very great friend, Brooke and Carson.
A great time was had by all. Most fun i have had in a while. Then we had to go home and back to work. We need a vacation from our vacation. I'll post pics soon.

PS...Then I cried all the way home to Jacksonville wishing Jack were there, because he would have been toddling around with the kids and smiling a lot. I miss you Bubby. Mommy keeps you in my heart with us in all that we do. I thought of him a lot when we rode in the boat. I looked to the sky imagining the fun he was having and the peace he was feeling. Everyday to him is a beautiful, perfect vacation. Praise God for Heaven!

Happy thoughts

Jack's 1st birthday is just around the corner so I have been thinking a lot about him and the best things about him. Here is a small list of some of my happiest thoughts of Jack.
1. His soft, feathry brown hair
2. His knowing eyes. His eyes showed wisdom, strength, kindness, and love.
3. The smell of his hair. It did not matter the shampoo I used he always had the same distinct
little smell. I'll never forget it.
4. The way he snuggled. He loved to be held close and tight.
5. His sweet little feet. They were perfect!!! (HE proved those doctors wrong)
6. His strong grip. He loved to hold your thumb or finger as tight as he could.
7. He was a spunky little guy. Full of fight and very determined.
8. The way he looked at Griffin, his big sister, with so much love and adoration.
9. The day he smiled so big and let out a precious giggle.
10. The lessons he taught my family of love, gentleness, perserverance, and bravery.

"Before you were conceived I wanted you
Before you were born I loved you
Before you were here an hour
I would die for you
This is the miracle of love." ~Maureen Hawkins

"A baby boy was created by the hand of God above to give the world the sweetest touch of tenderness and love. With the softness of a whisper, God made a baby's skin and then designed two trusting eyes to put the starlight in. With giggles from a waterfall and breezes passing by, God made a baby's laughter and a tiny, sleepy sigh. God made the world a precious gift more dear and pure than gold, with little toes to play with and tiny hands to hold then brought into the sunshine a precious baby boy All wrapped up in a rainbow of wonder, hope, and joy." -unknown author

Mother's Day, Griffin's Birthday, and missing Jack

We had a good Mother's Day with Mom and Dad and my sister Sarah. They came in from Valdosta on Sat. Sat night we cooked steaks and corn on the cob, and ate salad. I made a chocolate birthday cake for Griffin and we asked "my elder" from church to come over and have dessert with us. We had cake and coffee and Griffin opened some of her presents that night. The Sunday we ate breakfast at Panera bread, went to church, went to the beach, said goodbye to Sarah, and then ate at Olive Garden that night.

Monday I had to work, and then Tuesday was Griffin's birthday and last day of school. I had planned to take the whole day off, but I ended up needing to go in to help with some meetings. So I worked from 8-10 am, went to Griffin's end of year program at her pre-school. It was so cute. She and her class sang 3 songs, and they had a slide show of all the things the kids did during the year. Then we ate lunch together and I went back to work from 1-3:00pm. Then we had a birthday party with some close friends and family at Ollie Koala's. (It is kinda like Chuck E. Cheese). I'll post pictures of it all soon. I can't believe my Griff is 4 years old. Time flies by so fast. I also can't believe that May 12th also marked the date of six months ago that Jack passed away. June 10th is coming fast. Jack would be one year old.

Those dates hit me like giant waves at the ocean. I can see them coming from a distance and I get scared before they even get here. I can feel it building. My anxiety and saddness build like the wave and then it crashes on us. Even Griffin can feel it. Tonight she started crying for Jack and wanted him to come back to us. I told her that when we were all old we would go to Heaven too, and get to see Jack. It broke my heart when she said, "Mom I wish I was old and could go to Heaven now." Bless her little heart. She cried and cried for Jack. Tonight she is holding one of Jack's Teddy Bears tight as she sleeps, with little tear streaks down her cheeks.

I pray that God can give her sweet dreams tonight, a peace, and understanding that is wise beyond her little years. I hate that she has already had to face such a terrible loss. It is bad enought that me, Rayn, and our adult family has, but she is so little. Most kids have not lost a loved one or even a pet yet. They are still able to experience a life without the pain of loss. But my sweet 4 year old lost her brother, her little Bubby that she helped take care of. She bathed him, helped me feed him, change diapers, and all the big sister things, and now he is gone, and none of us really undrstand why or how it all happened.
That is all for now.
Amanda
*We love you Bubby. Mommy, Daddy, and Sissy love you and miss you!

Mother's Day

This week I have been pretty depressed with Mother's Day coming. I have been thinking about Jack a lot, as always. Tomorrow is the 10th and Jack would have been 11 months old. His birth date just keeps falling on some emotional days. Also tomorrow at church they are doing a baby dedication for all the babies born this year. So my friend Charlotte, who does the children's ministry called and told me and asked what I would like to do for Jack. What they usually do is a slide show of the babies at newborn age, and then call the families up to the front and pray for the babies and their families as they grow, you know as the future of our church. It really is a sweet thing. This year just happens to be sad for me and Ryan. We have the newborn pictures, but not the baby to hold in front of the church. I did want his picture included, because he was born and lived this year, and he was a big part of our church. So we decided that Jack's picture will be included in the slide show. And then they will tell the church about the rocking chair in our nursery. I have been part of a Mom's Bible study for about 3 years now, and that Bible study group bought a gliding rocker for our nursery, and had a plaque made for the chair that has a butterfly, and it says, "In Loving Memory of Baby Jack". So I told Charlotte I would like her to just mention that dedication in Jack's name. That was such a sweet gesture. Sometimes after church I go sit in Jack's chair and just rock.

On a much lighter note...I attend a "Mother's Day tea" at Griffin's pre-school and had such a wonderful time. The three year old class worked very hard to make a special day for their Mommies. Griffin made a hand print in cement for me, she painted a portrait of me, made me a bracelet, a hat, and her teacher made us black and white silhouette profile of our child. It was really beautiful. Griffin served me tea and helped me decorate a little mini cake with icing, sprinkles, and m&ms. Very yummy. Enjoy the pictures. Especially my portrait by Griffin. I had a good belly laugh from that one.

Hope all the mommies have a great Mother's Day!

Mommy loves you Jack and Griffin. Good night to my two favorite kiddos! XOXOXO

Time With Jack

We went to Valdosta for Easter, and Easter Sunday was actually the 12th, and that was the 5 month marker of Jack's passing. Very symbolic. I had a new empathy with Mary and how it feels to lose a son, and not understand why it happened. And to feel so helpless as you feel them slip away. Having to surrender him up to God and trust that He will take care of them.

I was able to go to Valdosta about 2 weeks earlier and make a flower arrangement for Jack's grave. I like making him things, and I always include butterflies. You can see the pictures. I found him an Easter basket and wrote his name on it. So I had that set out for him for Easter and the Spring. Ryan had not been to Valdosta in a few months, so on Sat. he went to the cemetaery by himself and spent some time with Jack. Then on Easter Sunday, me, Ryan, and Griffin all went. At first Griffin did not want to go, so we said that was okay. She sat a few yards away in the car as Ryan and I went to the grave, and just thought about him, and said our goodbyes before we left again for Jacksonville. We loaded back in the car and Griffin decided she wanted to go and take "Bubby" some Easter candy and an egg she got from the Bunny. I started to get out and walk with her, but she said, "No Mom! I want to go by myself. With tears in my eyes I nodded my head and watched from the car as she talked and smiled at her baby brother's grave marker. I had my camera and captured the precious moments from the car. It was one of the most precious moments I have ever witnessed. It reminded me of the first time she got to see him in the hospital. She, like us, had such high hopes for her baby brother. We got to do many special things while he was here, but I often wonder what she thinks about why he is gone. I know that she is trying to work things out in her little head, just like me and Ryan are.

It is still so hard. I talked to Karen, a councelor through PedsCare, and I told her, that most days I feel like I exist outside of my body. It is like I look down at myself going through the motions. Sometimes I return and live in the moments with Ryan and Griffin. I find myself laughing a little at times and trying to find the person I used to be, but too much has changed. A void follows me in all that I do. Everything reminds me of him. All I can do is continue to pray for wisdom and strength to keep facing the days to come.

Luckily, Karen said that was very normal, and that I seemed to be handling my grief in a healthy way. I am glad for that, because I don't want to be unhealthy. Mostly for Griffin and Ryan. But for me and for Jack. I know that he would not want me to be sick with depression, so I keep myself moving and going and doing, even if I have to watch myself do these things when I feel out of sorts or outside of myself.

Easter Weekend

We are packing to get ready to go to Valdosta for Easter weekend. We always have a big family lunch out at "the farm". And all the kids hunt for eggs. We have a lot of little kiddos with Griffin and her cousins and some friends from church. This year will be bitter sweet. Last year I rember being pregnant at Easter, and hopping that this time next year we have have our sweet little Jack with us. Tomorrow is the 10th and he would have been 10 months old.

I think that all the events in my family's life, even happy ones will be tinged with a saddness of our little guy missing. We took Griffin to Disney a couple of weeks ago and that feeling of loss or void was there that followed us. We still laughed and had fun, but my mind kept wandering to "What if Jack were here with us? What would he think of all this?" I guess I just have to think of him smiling down on us from Heaven, and feel him with us in our hearts.

Hope you all have a great Easter and enjoy time with family and/or friends.

PS. Griffin in flower girl dress is for next May 2010. Ryan's sister is getting married, and I found a possible flower girl dress a little early. So it is still a little too big for her. I thought she looked so cute I played around with the SmileBox program to send pics to my sister-in-law to see if she liked the dress. Thought I would link it to the blog just to see if it would work.

Spinning a cocoon

This week has taken me by surprise. I started feeling deep anguish and emotions that are always at the surface, but magnified. I felt myself pulling away from friends, activities, even answering the phone. And during this time I did not just stay in bed, but went to places that were familiar and spiritual. Me, Ryan, and Griffin spent two days at the beach just playing together, walking through the waves, listening to the gentle roll of the tides. On Sat. we played so hard and then felt so quiet that the three of us took a nap side by side on our beach blanket and towels.

I needed to concentrate on trying to feel and sort these emotions. Some of these emotions have become part of my new existence or personality, and some are very strange and new to me. I talked to my friend Shannon (she has been through a similar loss) about it, and she told me it was good and okay to "spin a cocoon" around myself during times of sorrow and deep grieving. All I can say is that it is beyond my control right now. I can't explain it, but that I hope I can come out with a transformation that is new and stronger. I feel that this is the one of many transformations and times of quiet and healing.

This week I felt hurt as always, and anger, which is kind of new. For the past several months I have been afraid to feel angry, especially at God. I mean, who am I to be mad with God. I have been afraid of being struck down, or have something else precious to me taken away. But this week I realized that God is BIG enough to handle my anger. Like when Griffin gets made at me for a time. I am strong enough to know that it is not forever. Sometimes I may smile or even giggle a little, to myself, at her trying to be mad at me. I don't think that God is laughing at me, but just maybe looking at me like a little child with very innocent and raw emotions, like a child angry with their parent. Please continue to pray for me, Ryan, and Griffin. We have all felt the pain as the dates on the calendar approaches that mark a VERY hard time for us 5 months ago. Especially that on April 12th Jack will have been in Heaven the same amount of time that he was on Earth. That is very strange to me. The clock continues to tick away pushing us farther away from the time we spent with our precious angel.

We love you Jack.
Today a single butterfly played in our backyard as I sat outside in the swing. I kept watching it as it fluttered around the yard, stopping every now and then to get a closer look. I thought of you, and I cried. I miss you so, and think of you by the day, by the hour, and often by the minute. I am blowing kisses your way. Love, Mommy XOXOXO

Grifffin answers some questions

I got this off of a friends blog. I asked Griffin these questions and put her exact reply.

1. What is something mom always says to you?Put me in time out
2. What makes mom happy? Obeying
3. What makes mom sad? hitting
4. How does your mom make you laugh? make funny faces
5. What was your mom like as a child? like me (Griffin)
6. How old is your mom? 5 (holds up her hand)
7. How tall is your mom? Holds hand in air about 3 in. taller then her
8. What is her favorite thing to do? play Barbies
9. What does your mom do when you’re not around? go outside
10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for? being silly
11. What is your mom really good at? Hippity Hop Scotch
12. What is your mom not very good at? She looks around the room and says "hanging up pictures" (Don't know)
13. What does your mom do for her job? school
14. What is your mom’s favorite food? olives
15. What makes you proud of your mom? winning a race and getting a trophy (no trophies)
16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be? A flower
17. What do you and your mom do together? pick flowers
18. How are you and your mom the same? our swim suits (not really)
19. How are you and your mom different? our hair
20. How do you know your mom loves you? In my heart
21. Where is your mom’s favorite place to go? Mickey D's (NOT)
*She is a funny little girl. I love you Griff, thank you for bringing me so much joy!!!

Bring the Rain

I found a beautiful song of praise by Mercy Me. It is just the thing I needed to hear to help me keep pushing through this very hard year. I hope you enjoy the Lyrics. It is a beautiful song.

"Bring the Rain"
By: Mercy Me
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that
I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I prayHoly, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

9 months old

Today Jack would be 9 months old. This is some of my favorite times in a baby's life. They are so cuddly and chubby. They are usually crawling and starting to pull up on everything. They have so much personality and attitude. They are babbling and maybe saying a few funny words, and eatting little finger food snacks. So much that I miss and try to picture of my Baby Jack.

People ask me if it is getting easier, and the answer is NO! It become managable, but not easier. I can set aside time to grieve most of the time, but sometimes something will hit you and you can't help but fall apart. I really try to concentrate on the happy times and the positive times, and find ways to honor his life. That is all for now.

A big step

This past Wednesday I had my friend Peggy come and help me reorganize Jack's room. Peggy has been helping me reorganize things around my house. She has been so good about just nudging me along in some things that I needed to do, but have not had time or energy to do.

I waited a long time to fix up a nursery because I was afraid of undoing it. After Jack got here I knew he needed and I wanted to have special room just like I did with Griffin. It has a cowboy/western theme, including His name in red bandanna letters on the wall. Right after the funereal I would go in Jack's room and cry, look through pictures, read, and just look around and remember him. Then for a little while I could not go in there because the reminders were just too hard. And then things started piling up in there like cards, news paper clipping from his obituary, books about grieving, photo albums, and things like that. Then I finally moved the bassinet from mine and Ryan's room into his already very tiny room. One day I looked in there and thought, this is not what I want. I want to be able to go in there and enjoy the room, and enjoy the happy memories of Jack and the joy he brought us.

So Peggy came over and said we could go through and take breaks when I needed to. We went through Jack's clothes, and I put some of my favorites in a zip lock bag (like Melissa suggested, Thanks!) I put them in a drawer where I could get to them open them, smell them, touch them, and just remember. I had been buying some Rubbermaid storage bins for this reason. I knew the time was coming and there was so much I wanted to keep. We used one bin to put more of my favorite outfits, blankets. pacifiers, socks, hats, and bibs in. We used another bin and filled with his stuffed animals and toys that were meaningful and given to us by loved ones. Then we filled up sacks with hospital things like blankets and supplies that I had no attachment, and not very good memories attached to. I cried many time through the process and Peggy would stop hug me and let me take as long as I needed. When we got to his closet filled with precious outfits that he was never able to wear, I became pretty sad. They had tags on them, and she helped me put them in brown paper bags. She offered to return them if i wanted her to, and maybe one day I will, but right now I have them stored in the closet in neat little stacks. I don't think I'm ready to part with them quite yet.

I thought Ryan and I might want to take down his crib this weekend, so I put all of his bedding in a bin also. I was thinking if we took it down I might put a desk there so I can scrap book, read, do devotionals, and other "meaningful" things there, not bills or other "business" things. I want to enjoy his room and enjoy soaking in the happy memories of Jack.

When Ryan came home from work he said the room looked really good. I kept the walls the same with all his pictures, his name, his clock, his shelves, and everything on the walls like it was before. The room was just more organized and in a way that I could get to things that are special to us. Ryan did say that he was not quite ready to take down the crib, which is fine with me, I think too many changes would have been too hard, and too much. I think it was just enough for this first step. Peggy said she thought we get the worst over with, and there is no rush to take the next step. Thank you Peggy so much for your kindness, patience, and gift for organizing (which I don't have), and taking the time to be with me through this.

Love you, Amanda

Jack's Bombers

This weekend turned out to be so great. Thank you to all who came out to support us. Thank you especially to Tessa and Leland whole put everything together. Ryan, Griffin, and I were so touched and humbled by this event. We know that Jack's little life was celebrated by our family and friends on that beautiful Saturday. We will never forget the opening ceremony and Griffin throwing out the first pitch to start off the games. We have really been blessed by the support we have been given the past year. Thank you for your prayers and love. Please continue to think of us as we continue facing emotional times as the days and months keep rolling in. Also as we try to find our "new normal", whatever normal is. We just know we are not the same as we were before, and that is okay. I hope you enjoy some of the pictures from the tournament. Ryan had a team to play as well as 26 mens' teams from Florida, Georgia, and even Alabama. Also 5 girls' teams, including Tessa's who all wore butterfly tattoos on their arms in honor of Jack. Thank you for the smallest details. It really meant a lot. There was also a table set up to display some of Jack's things including; our black and white photos of our family, Jack's baseball bat and ball, his little basball hat and shoes, the baseball outfit he wore to Wilson's tee-ballgame, the scrapebook I made him, and a poster that Tessa and Leland had made with all the sponsors listed, and that the proceeds went to us and to PedsCare.
The day was great with a lot of laughs, smiles, hugs, and cheering. Jack's Bombers won 2 games and lost 2. The last game went into two extra ennings because it was tied up. There were several players on our team who knocked them slam outta the park. Our team was good friends and coworkers from Jacksonville, family from Valdosta, and a good friend from Atlanta. Thank you guys for playing in honor of our baby boy.
Sunday on our way home, Ryan and I looked at each other in the car and just started crying at how wonderful the weekend turned out. I think we both had been holding back all of our emotions. They were tears of joy, saddness, and pride for Baby Jack. We love you Bubby, and know you enjoyed the scenes of the day as much as we did.

6th Annual Delta Chi Softball Tournament

A good friend of my family's, Tessa Green Wilkes, contacted us about a softball tournament in honor and memory of our Sweet Baby Jack. The following is the write up for the tournament.
Ryan has a team playing, and Griffin will be throwing out the first pitch of the games at an opening ceremony that starts at 8:00 am tomorrow Sat. Feb. 21st. morning. We are excited, nervous, and humbled by this very kind gift of love and support. We pray for good weather and safety of all travelling and playing. I also pray that this will honor the life of our precious baby.

Place: Freedom Park Complex, Valdosta, Georgia
Date: February 21st, 2009
BENEFIT:
Last year the members of Delta Chi helped the Simpson family raise money to assist with medical expenses for their daughter, Mary Elizabeth (“Emmy”).
This year's tournament will benefit the family of Jack Ryan Lee and Peds Care of Jacksonville, Florida.
Jack was the son of Ryan and Amanda Lee, and little brother to Griffin Lee, all of Jacksonville. Amanda is from Valdosta and is the daughter of Graham and Diane Fiveash. During a routine ultrasound, the doctors found a heart abnormality, however could not pinpoint exactly how to successfully treat the medical condition. Doctors even claimed the baby would not survive the pregnancy. To everyone's surprise, Jack was born weighing only 3lbs, 14 ounces, but displaying his strong will with a new born-infant cry. For the next few months he spent a great deal of time in and out of the NICU of the Baptist Hospital and Wolson's Hospital in Jacksonville.Jack had to undergo many tests; was put on oxygen; suffered from pneumonia, jaundice and seizures; and because his food often went into his windpipes, he needed a feeding tube to prevent choking. Through it all, he could still find the strength to smile just when his parents needed it most. Jack passed away in early November, 2008, leaving his family to carry on his cherished memory.
We would like to help them in doing so with the support of our community. A portion of these proceeds will be donated to Lee family for assistance with any medical, travel, and funeral expenses associated with Jack's life. The remaining proceeds will be donated to Peds Care of Jacksonville, Florida, in Jack's name. Peds Care, in collaboration with Community Hospice, provides a support network to families of children with life-threatening conditions, and in the Lee's case, became very dear friends to their family. We appreciate any contributions you may be able to offer to help the Lee family and Peds Care.

GENERAL INFORMATION:The Delta Chi Winterball Tournament is a local softball tournament hosted by the Valdosta Chapter of the Delta Chi Fraternity. This is the sixth year running, and each year the tournament is held to benefit a local cause. The tournament will be composed of teams from all over the state of Georgia and North Florida; college and open.

Happy Valentine's Day Bubby!!!

WE had a very nice Valentine's day. I cooked Griffin and Ryan a V-Day breakfast of waffles, eggs, and fresh strawberries. Then we opened some gifts. We got Ryan some pj bottoms with hearts. Griffin got a Minnie Mouse mail box filled with goodies from me and a rose and a balloon from her Dad. Ryan got me a dozen roses and a movie. We spent a laid back day around the house and then Me, Ryan, and Griffin went to Jeff and Allison's house for a V-Day meal with their little boy Carson, our friends LK and Monica, and their little girl Brooke. LK made chicken parm and Alfredo. It was SO good. Then the kids wrote notes and drew pictures on cards that we attached to balloons and sent up to Heaven for Baby Jack. It was a very sweet moment. It was dark outside so we could not get pictures of balloons in the air, but we got some cute ones of the kids.

My Valentine's gift to Jack was that I made his scrapbook. It turned out really nice. I took pictures of each page, and I'll try to post them this week. Some are hard to see but it turned out so good. Griffin and Ryan really like it. It will be so nice to have for Griffin and me to sit down and look through.

I hope that you all had a blessed day with your loved one.
Sincerely,
Amanda
Happy Valentine's Day to my family! I love you Ryan, Griffin, and Jack!!!! XOXOXO

Quote from Beth Moore Study

My friend Shannon and I were talking yesterday about Jack and her sweet baby Olivia, who is also in Heaven. I shared with her some of what I was feeling and she sent me this quote:

It's from the Beth Moore study A Woman's Heart: God's Dwelling Place.

...Some Christians think God doesn't care whether our bodies are in shape or, frankly, what we do with them. That is simply not true. I'll always remember the words of a very good friend who lost a precious two-year-old son in an accident. I returned a few weeks after the funeral to minister to her in her tremendous pain. Instead, I learned a lot myself. She told me that as she stood over the casket, many well-meaning family members and friends said: "Ginny, walk away from it. He's not there anymore." Some of those same persons even dissuaded her from visiting the grave site to take fresh flowers: "He's not there, Ginny. He's with Jesus."She said: "Beth, I knew he wasn't in there anymore. I knew that better than anyone. I also know that his little soul and spirit are not in that grave. I know that! But the body that came from my own, that I held and kissed, the hair I washed and brushed, the hand I secured in mine as we walked across the street, the face I cherished, and the frame I rocked were in there. And I loved them!"Those were the most honest words I have ever heard a grieving person utter. If my friend - a mother made of flesh and blood who has relatively limited capabilities to love - could make such a statement, how much more our limitless Heavenly Father loves His children, our bodies and all! We are the works of His hands!

The words in BOLD sum up exactly how I feel. God help me! Amanda

8 months old

Today is the 10th. Eight months ago I was waiting at the hospital to give birth to Jack. It was the most scared in my life I have ever been. The feeling of panic was almost more than I could take. The Dr. came in telling me that he would probably never even take his first breath and that Ryan and I needed to decided if we wanted him on life support. I prayed through my whole C-Section. Ryan and I were both almost paralyzed with fear. My midwife, Grace (very appropriate), came in and held my hand while the Dr. performed the C-Section. The anasthesia (sp?) nurse took pictures for us, because we were both so shaken. They started at 6:00 pm, and Jack was born at 6:17pm. I'll never forget that little pink guy crying and sucking his thumb. Little 3 pounds and 14 oz. Even then they did not think he would live very long. I remember the nurse handing him to me and saying, "I wish things could be different." He went in the recovery room with us where we were greeted by friends and family. There were so many emotions in that room. We were excited he was here, and relieved that he was breathing and heart beating. Then his temperature began to drop so they rushed him to the NICU. Ryan followed as I continued to recover. Ryan stayed with him all night, and I did not get to see him again until later the next morning. He was very stable in the nursery. It all really seems like a lifetime ago. I feel like I am looking back on this from 10 years later, instead of just 8 mon. The experience has aged both me and Ryan. Someone metioned that Ryan looked different, almost wounded then before. I turned 30 in Nov., 5 days after Jack's funerel, but I felt like I was turning 40. I look at pictures of us early in our pregnancy or even with us and Griffin, and we have changed. Our eyes look different. They look brighter, almost more innocent or I guess just unaware of the saddness we would have to experience. Jack's life was a journey that we travelled and continue trying to make our way through. Ryan and I often talk of where do we go from here? What is our next step? I think we are just trying to coast right now or live in neautral.

I know I probably repeat myself in some of these blogs, but as each month rolls around I can't help but relive everything that happened. This time of month is extremely hard, because his birth date is the 10th, the day he passed away is the 12th, and his funereal date is the 15th. Even looking at the numbers breaks my heart. I am so thankful for the blessings that came along with Jack. His eyes told their own story of what he had to do the get here. It was almost like looking into the eyes of someone who had lived for 80 years. I guess he did live a whole lifetime. He just did his in a matter of 5 months and 2 days.

We miss you Jack, we carry you with us always; in everything we do and everywhere we go. Griffn loves you so much and asks about you everyday. She draws you pictures and sings you songs. Everytime we drive across the big, high bridges in Jacksonville, we roll down the windows and wave and blow you kisses. We figure that's the highest point we can get to, and a little closer to Heaven. Look for us and listen for us to shout your name, and that we love you.
Love, Mommy, Daddy, and Sissy

Playing Catch Up

I have not blogged in a while. I will use this time to post pictures and a quick update. Jack's headstone finally came in last week. We went to Valdosta to check things out, and spent some time visiting at Jack's grave and visitng with family in Valdosta. Sarah, Ryan, and I even took Griffin skating. She did not love it, but she gave it a good try and then felt very happy while playing at the Jungle Jims section of the skating rink. We also had a Valentine's party at church this past weekend. It was a 50s theme. Ryan and I are on the Fellowhip committee at church with 4-5 other couples who all plan the party events for the church. All the girls on the fellowship team wore pink jackets so we were the Pink Ladies. Everyone had a really good time. Some friends of ours, (who also go to church with us, on the fellowship team) have a yearly New Years's Eve party at their house and we had an 80s Prom theme that I helped plan and decorate for. We have been celebrating all this decades this year. So here are some of the many pics from those two parties and also Jack's new headstone. We love you Little Bubby. I am so happy with how it turned out.

Short version!!!!

I typed out this very long update on my new job, Ryan's job, Griffin school and ballet....and then it just dissappeared. So here is the short version. I'm ready to go to bed and its getting late.
Amanda:
New job, 15 hours a week in the guidance office at my old school, Mandarin Oaks Elelementary.
LOVE IT!!! Love Shelia and love Pam. They are awesome to work with. Teaching me so much.
I work 3 days a week. 5 hours each of the 3 days. I still have time to hang out with Griffin. We have a blast, laugh and cry daily when we talk about Baby Jack. We miss him so much!! I'm glad that she and I have this time to work on trying to heal.

Griffin:
Pre-school 2 days a week. She loves it. She knows her colors, shapes, many of her letters. We are still working on recognizing her numbers. She can count all day long, but can't tell you what a 5 looks like. We are getting there!!! She loves to sing, laugh, and play.
Favorite songs are: Jesus Loves ME, Beyonce Knowles "All the Single Ladies" HAHA I know!!!
She also like Natasha Beddingfield "Take Me Away" AKA the butterfly song. She is just a joy. She makes me laugh and she drives me crazy.

Ryan:
Staying busywith work. Doing a lot of overtime. HE has started more and more side work for friends, family, and church people. He really likes his boss Mike, who has been so good to us. I'm very proud of what all Ryan has learned in the past 3 years. He really enjoys being a commercial plumber.

Will write more later and post new pics. Gotta go to bed.

Heres the long version!!! I just found it....Of couse after I posted the "short version"

I went back to work part time at my old school. I really love it. It is 15 hours a week, so I do 3 5 hour days, and then I keep my friend's little girl on Wed. and Fridays. So needless to say we are very busy. My job is working in the guidance office at school. I like it because I can hide out and do paper work, which has been really interesting. I'm learning so much and it feels good to help the girls in guidance out, and some of the other teachers. I work with Shelia and Pam and they are so great. They have been so good to me and helped me ease back into the work setting. They listen to me when I need to talk about Jack, and keep me busy enough that I don't get bogged down in my thoughts. I get to go and observe kids in the classroom, and sit in on meetings about how we can help them get the best education possible. So over all I am blessed to have my job, and still a couple of days each week to stay home and play with Griffin.

She is doing very well. She is in pre-school 2 days a week and taking a ballet/dance class every Wednesday. We have a discussion daily about Jack. She ask me questions and I do the best to answer them. Sometimes we laugh about the things he did, and sometimes we cry at how much we miss him. Both are good ways for us to remember him.

Ryan is staying so busy with work. He has had to work the past 2 weekends. He likes his job. He is learning more and more and getting certified in different areas of plumbing, which open up more opprotunities for him. He has started doing a lot more side work for friends, people at church, and even some of the teachers at my school. I'm very proud of him and how much he has learned the past three years. He really likes his boss, and his boss has been really good to him this past year. He always allowed Ryan to take time to go to Dr. appt. with me while Iwas pregnant, and anytime Jack was sick or having a hard week. He let Ryan have plenty of time off during the funerel and days that followed. We really are blessed by the people God put in our life at this really hard time.

Griffin spent the weekend in Valdosta with Mom and Dad, and Ryan and I went to our good friend, LK's 30th birthday party. We went to a local Jacksonville fish camp/resturant and ate with friends. afterward they had a band and we all stayed around and laughed and danced. It felt good to laugh and be with friends. I'll post pics of the party soon. Then Sunday Ryan and I went out on our boat and fished and eat a picnic lunch. Very fun!

Words of comfort

Thank you all for your comments and prayers for me last night and today. I do read them and they bring me such comfort. Today has gone much better then I thought it would. I am so thankful to have this blog to vent some of my feelings. Love you and hope you have a good day.
Sincerely,
Amanda Lee

7 months old

I hope this blog finds its readers having a blessed and happy new year. The Lee family is just trying to heal one day at a time. I can't tell you how thankful we are to all our family, friends, and loved ones for the support they have given us.

Yesterday was Jan. 10th. Jack would have been 7 months old. Tomorrow Jan. 12th marks 2 months ago that he passed away. I can't believe how times ticks away. I know that it has to for many reasons. It forces us to continue this journey on Earth to get that much closer to our time with God in Heaven. It also protects us from dwelling on the sadness of a time or season in our lives. I know that we can't handle staying in one time too long.

Yesterday Ryan, Griffin, and I went to Tallahassee for a basketball game at FSU. It was a nice distraction from the sadness of the day. On our way home Ryan got really sleepy so I drove I-10 back to Jacksonville. Ryan and Griffin both fell asleep, which left me kind of alone with my thoughts. It was a beautiful night with a full moon. So I drove the darkness and thought of our time with Jack. I wept at the beauty of his small and very brief life. I thought about how he would have looked getting older and bigger. I tried to picture him sitting up and getting his first few teeth. I could hear his giggle and see his little smile. It was almost as if in that full moon, I could feel him shining down on me. I went to sleep that night crying for what could have been.

I still wake most mornings wondering if it were all a dream. I wake up wondering if he is still in his nursery, or if I am still pregnant. My breath catches in my chest hoping for a different outcome. It is so hard and mind blowing when the realization sinks in. It is like getting punched in the stomach. I just can't believe that we actually lost a precious baby.

I realize he is in a a better place, and that God loves him, and God loves us, but the ache to hold that sweet baby in my arms is almost too much to bear some days. A lot of days I do okay. I keep myself busy and distracted, but other days it does not matter what I do the sadness overwhelms me. It is hard for all of us.

A few nights ago Ryan, Griffin, and I went to dinner and started talking about Griffin's birthday. She will be 4 in May, but she is already very eager to have a party. She was talking about what kind of cake she wanted , and then looked at me and said, "Mom, do you think Jack and God could come to my party?" Ryan and I tried to smile and said they will be watching your party from Heaven. She seemed okay with that answer, but it took all that Ryan and I had not to fall apart right there in Chili's.

I am sorry if this post makes you sad or cry too. Please just continue to pray for me and my family. I think these days have been harder now that the dust has settled, the company has gone home, and the days go back to what was normal before we were pregnant. The big difference is that it can't go back to what it was before. Jack has forever changed our lives, some sadness, and a lot of beautiful memories.
Good night family and loved ones. Love, The Lees