A big step

This past Wednesday I had my friend Peggy come and help me reorganize Jack's room. Peggy has been helping me reorganize things around my house. She has been so good about just nudging me along in some things that I needed to do, but have not had time or energy to do.

I waited a long time to fix up a nursery because I was afraid of undoing it. After Jack got here I knew he needed and I wanted to have special room just like I did with Griffin. It has a cowboy/western theme, including His name in red bandanna letters on the wall. Right after the funereal I would go in Jack's room and cry, look through pictures, read, and just look around and remember him. Then for a little while I could not go in there because the reminders were just too hard. And then things started piling up in there like cards, news paper clipping from his obituary, books about grieving, photo albums, and things like that. Then I finally moved the bassinet from mine and Ryan's room into his already very tiny room. One day I looked in there and thought, this is not what I want. I want to be able to go in there and enjoy the room, and enjoy the happy memories of Jack and the joy he brought us.

So Peggy came over and said we could go through and take breaks when I needed to. We went through Jack's clothes, and I put some of my favorites in a zip lock bag (like Melissa suggested, Thanks!) I put them in a drawer where I could get to them open them, smell them, touch them, and just remember. I had been buying some Rubbermaid storage bins for this reason. I knew the time was coming and there was so much I wanted to keep. We used one bin to put more of my favorite outfits, blankets. pacifiers, socks, hats, and bibs in. We used another bin and filled with his stuffed animals and toys that were meaningful and given to us by loved ones. Then we filled up sacks with hospital things like blankets and supplies that I had no attachment, and not very good memories attached to. I cried many time through the process and Peggy would stop hug me and let me take as long as I needed. When we got to his closet filled with precious outfits that he was never able to wear, I became pretty sad. They had tags on them, and she helped me put them in brown paper bags. She offered to return them if i wanted her to, and maybe one day I will, but right now I have them stored in the closet in neat little stacks. I don't think I'm ready to part with them quite yet.

I thought Ryan and I might want to take down his crib this weekend, so I put all of his bedding in a bin also. I was thinking if we took it down I might put a desk there so I can scrap book, read, do devotionals, and other "meaningful" things there, not bills or other "business" things. I want to enjoy his room and enjoy soaking in the happy memories of Jack.

When Ryan came home from work he said the room looked really good. I kept the walls the same with all his pictures, his name, his clock, his shelves, and everything on the walls like it was before. The room was just more organized and in a way that I could get to things that are special to us. Ryan did say that he was not quite ready to take down the crib, which is fine with me, I think too many changes would have been too hard, and too much. I think it was just enough for this first step. Peggy said she thought we get the worst over with, and there is no rush to take the next step. Thank you Peggy so much for your kindness, patience, and gift for organizing (which I don't have), and taking the time to be with me through this.

Love you, Amanda