Christmas 2008

Merry Late Christmas to All!
We just got home from a week of Christmas in Kansas. We made the 24 hour drive to see Ryan's family in Ashland, KS. It was such a nice time. I was really worried that Christmas this year would be sad and hard, but it was a very nice time. Griffin really enjoyed the season first with my parents in Valdosta. We stopped in and opened presents with them, and had birthday cake with Mom. Her birthday was Christmas day. Happy Birthday again Mom. We love you. We spent the night with them and then drove out to the cemetery in Valdosta to take Jack a Christmas tree and tell him how much we love him. Then we were off for our drive. We drove about16 hours. Stopping some and eating or shopping. Then we made it to Ryan's parents and surprised his Mom. We came out a few days earlier then she thought. It was worth it to see the surprise on her face. Spent time with family and friends.

One Christmas Eve we went to a candle light service at the Christian Church in Ashland. It was absolutely beautiful. It is just what I needed to settle my soul and mind and help me focus on the true meaning of the season. As I sat there in the candlelight darkness listening to story of Baby Jesus' birth I was brought to tears thinking of the birth of my own son, Jack. I love the part of the scripture in Luke 2:19 when the shepherds and wise men were coming to visit them and see the new baby that "Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." Like any mom you try to let every moment of your newborn child just wash over you and settle in so that you never forget it. That is how I was with Jack. I treasured up the way he smelled and cried, and the feel of his warm body and the sweet sounds he made. I will never forget these things and I will always ponder them in my heart.

We had a beautiful Christmas day and enjoyed opening gifts with my in laws and both Ryan's sister and their boyfriends, and Aunt Kathy, Uncle Steven, and Papaw. It was a very good time. Then we travelled 24 hours back to Valdosta. When we got to Mom and Dad's we dropped Griffin off and Ryan and I headed back to spend some time at Jack's grave. Ryan and I sat down and talked about the special things that Jack meant to both of us. We started off Crying and ending with smiles at the joy of our sweet Baby Jack. While we were talking I looked up in the sky at a huge white fluffy cloud, and a hole the shape of a perfect heart appeared in the cloud. I told Ryan to look and we both looked up for just a few moments and then the heart just drifted away. Ryan said , "We LOVE you too Jack!" And we both felt so much peace that Jack is happy and in a beautiful place. Then we thanked God for the beautiful gift he shared with us, and we came home. I am leaving you with a poem Ryan's Aunt Kathy found and gave us this year on Christmas Eve:

I'm Spending Christmas

With Jesus Christ This Year

"I see the countless Christmas Trees, around the world below,

With tiny lights like heaven's stars reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear,

For I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,

But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring,

for it is beyond description to hear an angel sing.

I can't tell you of the splendor or the peace here in this place.

Can you just imagine Christmas with our Savior, face to face?

I'll ask him to lighten your spirit as I tell him of your love.

So then pray for one another as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your hearts be joyful, and let your spirit sing,

for I'm spending Christmas in heaven, and I'm walking with our King!"

Merry Christmas Baby Jack, and to all our family, friends, and love ones.

Festival of Lights 5K

Last night we did the big race. It was so much fun. Mom and Dad came into to Jax. and entered the race too. Other racers were Me, Missy, Janine, Ryan (after playing 4 softball games in a tournament, which they won. CONGARTS Ryno!! I love you), Griffin, Jason, Melanie, Allison, Jeff, Carson, Ken and Katherine Mick. We took our time and took pictures along the way and enjoyed the lights. There were over 2,000 people in this race. All the money went to "Children's Miracle Network". I really enjoyed being with everyone. Every contestant in the race wore Jingle Bells on their shoes. Me, Janine, Missy, and Griffin wore our shirts we decorated in memory of Baby Jack. We love you Bubby! We hope to do more races in the future. This one will be a Christmas tradition.

Thinking of Jack

It is so hard to try feeling normal right now. Some days I do okay, and then some I just want to jump out of my skin. The anxiety of not being able to hold my son is more than I can bear. I just sit in his room and try to feel him. Sometimes it is comforting and sometimes it is frustrating because you can't feel anything. We have his slideshow of pictures that I watch and some video tape of him eating his applesauce and rice cereal.
I am so thankful that Griffin, Ryan, and I got to do a lot of the things we talked to Griffin early on in my pregnancy. She got to bathe him, push him in a stoller, help change diapers, and finally feed him. For the 5 months we had him, it was just beautiful. It was hard because we never knew from day to day what could happen, but that forced us to live each day to the fullest we possibley could with Jack.
We squeezed in a lot of fun in a short amount of time. If you did not get to go to the funerel here in Jacksonville I'll list a few of the things Jack got to do( our friend Eddie Phillips "my elder" did a beautiful job sharing at the service the list below of what all we were able to do with Baby Jack):

• He rode in our boat
• went to Wilson's tee-ball game
• went to Olive Garden
• went to his own baby shower at Missy's house
• he went to Griffin's pre-school pumpkin party
• he went to church
• he went to his PedsCare Halloween party
• he went to my school where I taught ; Mandarin Oaks Elementary
• He went to Mrs. Rita's house
• He sat in Santa's lap with his Big Sister
• He smiled at us and laughed at his sissy, Winnie, and Wilson while taking Halloween pics.
• he went with us to Mandarin park several times and we feed the fish

We made sure that this little boy got to experience some wonderful things his short time here on Earth. I am so thankful to God that we got to share that with him, and that God shared him with us. Oh how I wish for more time! One day we will spend eternity together.

When Jack passed away Ryan wanted to make sure we dressed him in play cloths. He wore his soft overalls so that he would be ready to play when he got to heaven. We picture him fishing with his great grandpapas. And I know he gets rocked to sleep each night by his Granny, Nana, and Mamaw.

That is all for tonight. Hope to post pictures very soon.

Racing for Jack

This Sunday the 7th me, Janine, Missy, Allison, and several friends from church are doing a 3 mile race called "The Festival of Lights" in downtown Jacksonville area. It is actually in an area called San Marco. It should be really fun. The race is at night and everyone wears Jingle Bells on their shoes and everything is decorated for Christmas. Janine came over tonight and we painted T-shirts in memory of Jack. They say Merry Christmas Jack 2008. We Love you! Griffin even decorated one for her and "Bubby". That is what she calls Jack. Anyway the race is for the Children's Miracle Network, and me and Janine decided it would be a great way to honor Jack and keep his memory with us through the holidays. I will post pictures next week of us at the race. I hope you all are having wonderful holidays and enjoying your family and loved ones.
Sincerely, Amanda

"Silent night! Holy night! All is calm, all is bright. Sleep in Heavenly peace!"
Baby Jack,
I know you are feeling so much calm and so much peace now. I miss you so much it hurts, but I will see you again some day.
Goodnight sweet Jack. I love you Baby!!!! XOXOXO Your Mommy