Beautiful Moment

The past few weeks have been really busy, and I have been a little too emotional to blog.
Where should I begin?

Jack's 1st birthday week was much better then expected. Griffin left Sat. before his birthday and went to stay with my Mom and Dad, so I could make all the arrangements for the butterfly release. It also gave me some time to grieve. Mom's church was having VBS, so I knew Griffin was having fun and playing with friends and cousins. So while I was at home i looked thought pics of us with Jack, and cried. I watched our videos, which just don't seem like enough. Ryan and I did go to dinner one night, and then we did some cleaning around the house. I had been wanting to clean our carpets, and stuff so that kinda kept us busy and burned off some stress. We also did some yard work and planted flowers. My Aunt Sandra sent me some money to buy some butterfly bushes for the back yard. We planted a garden a few weeks earlier with a butterfly flag, wind chimes, and such in the backyard for Jack. So we added some fresh flowers and the butterfly bushes I bought at the butterfly farm.

Tuesday morning my friend, Charlotte and
I drove to Gainesville, FL to pick up my butterfly order. While we were there I scheduled a tour of the garden for me and her. I thought it might be a cool and interesting distraction for the coming day. It was neat. My dear friend was a joy to bring along. She and my friend, Allison also bought me some butterfly bushes, Lantana, and Milkweed. These are all butterfly and caterpillar attracting plants. Very cool. So Ryan added them to our flower garden.

Tuesday night, before Jack's birthday, Ryan and I drove to Valdosta and met Griffin, Mom, and Dad at church for Griff's final night at VBS. We went to Mom and Dad's and got up early and went to the cemetery. I took Jack a birthday flower arrangement, and we sang Happy birthday to Jack. Then we spent a little time taking pics, and telling him we love him and miss him. It is still so shocking. It is unreal, that our son is actually buried, and not with us.

Then we drove back to Valdosta for Griffin last ballet class before her big recital. Then we got home and got ready for a few close friends and family to come over for the butterfly release. Jack's nurse, Janine, his doctor, Dr. Kelly, and "The Puppet Lady", Ms. Sharon, came to spend the evening honoring Jack. At 6:18 PM we released the butterflies. A lot flew off, but several stayed around and fluttered around the kids, and me, Ryan, and Griffin. It was really special. I can't even put into words how perfect it was. Then we went inside to food that my sweet friend prepared including an apple cake with sliced apples in the shape of a butterfly on the top, made by my sweet friend, Jennifer.

We are blessed by the love and support of dear friends, and loving family. I know Jack was smiling down from Heaven. There is an Indian Legend about Butterflies. If you whisper a message to them they can carry the message to Heaven to our loved ones there. I shared this with all the guests, so we all whispered messages to Jack before we released them. It was a very beautiful moment.

I'll post more about dance recital with pictures soon.

Jack's Birthday: Wed. June 10th

Jack's birthday is this Wednesday. I can't believe a year has come and gone. Wow to think back at the expectations and uncertainty that Ryan and I had. The birth of that sweet little boy turned our lives upside down. I wish I could explain all the emotions that we were flooded with. Helpless but hopeful. Scared but with an unexplainable peace. We always knew that God was in charge when it came to Jack. It was like every step we took God was leading the way. Thank the Lord for that. i think looking back now I can see that even more.

For Jack's birthday we are doing a butterfly release here at our house. He was born at 6:18 pm, so that is when we will release them. I am also wrapping a special gift for Griffin to open for her brother. I'll share pictures later. Please pray for us the next few days, especially Wed. I know it is going to be very emotional. A lot of emotions are hitting me like waves. The sadness and emptiness of losing him. Wondering what life would have been like with Jack. Wishing I could see his little smile and hold him in my arms. I loved kissing under his little chin tight on his neck. I miss that so much. So much to miss and replay in my mind. I always run his life like a movie through my head. Trying to hang on to everything.

I read a book a few months ago; Lament For A Son by: Nicholas Wolterstorff. It is about a man who lost his son when his son was mountain climbing. It is a different situation, his son was older, but a lot of the pain is the same. He sums up some of how I'm feeling, and how I feel daily in words that pierce my heart.

"It is the neverness that is so painful. Never to be here with us-never sit with us at the table, never travel with us, never laugh with us, never to embrace us as he leaves for school, never to see his sister marry."

"It's so wrong, so profoundly wrong for a child to die before its parents."

"I lament all that might have been, and now will never be."

"The TEARS...streamed down, and I let them flow as freely as they would, making of them a pillow for my heart. On them I rested." ~Augustine

Jack,
I hope you have a birthday party in Heaven. I hope the angels sing the most beautiful birthday song ever heard. We love you, and we will be sending butterflies your way. Enjoy the sight as friends and family gather to send up our love. You are, and will always be my sweet baby boy. God blessed me when he sent you down to spend a precious moment with us.
My love to you,
Mommy