Jack's birthday is this Wednesday. I can't believe a year has come and gone. Wow to think back at the expectations and uncertainty that Ryan and I had. The birth of that sweet little boy turned our lives upside down. I wish I could explain all the emotions that we were flooded with. Helpless but hopeful. Scared but with an unexplainable peace. We always knew that God was in charge when it came to Jack. It was like every step we took God was leading the way. Thank the Lord for that. i think looking back now I can see that even more.
For Jack's birthday we are doing a butterfly release here at our house. He was born at 6:18 pm, so that is when we will release them. I am also wrapping a special gift for Griffin to open for her brother. I'll share pictures later. Please pray for us the next few days, especially Wed. I know it is going to be very emotional. A lot of emotions are hitting me like waves. The sadness and emptiness of losing him. Wondering what life would have been like with Jack. Wishing I could see his little smile and hold him in my arms. I loved kissing under his little chin tight on his neck. I miss that so much. So much to miss and replay in my mind. I always run his life like a movie through my head. Trying to hang on to everything.
I read a book a few months ago; Lament For A Son by: Nicholas Wolterstorff. It is about a man who lost his son when his son was mountain climbing. It is a different situation, his son was older, but a lot of the pain is the same. He sums up some of how I'm feeling, and how I feel daily in words that pierce my heart.
"It is the neverness that is so painful. Never to be here with us-never sit with us at the table, never travel with us, never laugh with us, never to embrace us as he leaves for school, never to see his sister marry."
"It's so wrong, so profoundly wrong for a child to die before its parents."
"I lament all that might have been, and now will never be."
"The TEARS...streamed down, and I let them flow as freely as they would, making of them a pillow for my heart. On them I rested." ~Augustine
Jack,
I hope you have a birthday party in Heaven. I hope the angels sing the most beautiful birthday song ever heard. We love you, and we will be sending butterflies your way. Enjoy the sight as friends and family gather to send up our love. You are, and will always be my sweet baby boy. God blessed me when he sent you down to spend a precious moment with us.
My love to you,
Mommy
9 years ago
3 comments:
I have been thinking about you a lot b/c I knew this day was coming up. Amanda, I can't tell you how proud of you I am. It is very encouraging to see another child of God not give up on HIM when things have gotten unbearable at times. You are a wonderful mother and I know that you make your children proud. Use your family to lean on this week. I love ya!
Happy Birthday Jack!
We will be thinking of you this week. I hope that you will feel a sense of relief and peace when the actual birthday gets here. Sometimes the anticipation of the anniversary date is worse than when the day finally arrives. We will celebrate Jack's birthday in Daytona and will let balloons go from the beach. I am glad to know the time he was born...that's when we'll do it. I gave something to Allison to give you. Love you guys. I'm here if you need me.
Shannon
Love you girl!
Post a Comment