Time With Jack

We went to Valdosta for Easter, and Easter Sunday was actually the 12th, and that was the 5 month marker of Jack's passing. Very symbolic. I had a new empathy with Mary and how it feels to lose a son, and not understand why it happened. And to feel so helpless as you feel them slip away. Having to surrender him up to God and trust that He will take care of them.

I was able to go to Valdosta about 2 weeks earlier and make a flower arrangement for Jack's grave. I like making him things, and I always include butterflies. You can see the pictures. I found him an Easter basket and wrote his name on it. So I had that set out for him for Easter and the Spring. Ryan had not been to Valdosta in a few months, so on Sat. he went to the cemetaery by himself and spent some time with Jack. Then on Easter Sunday, me, Ryan, and Griffin all went. At first Griffin did not want to go, so we said that was okay. She sat a few yards away in the car as Ryan and I went to the grave, and just thought about him, and said our goodbyes before we left again for Jacksonville. We loaded back in the car and Griffin decided she wanted to go and take "Bubby" some Easter candy and an egg she got from the Bunny. I started to get out and walk with her, but she said, "No Mom! I want to go by myself. With tears in my eyes I nodded my head and watched from the car as she talked and smiled at her baby brother's grave marker. I had my camera and captured the precious moments from the car. It was one of the most precious moments I have ever witnessed. It reminded me of the first time she got to see him in the hospital. She, like us, had such high hopes for her baby brother. We got to do many special things while he was here, but I often wonder what she thinks about why he is gone. I know that she is trying to work things out in her little head, just like me and Ryan are.

It is still so hard. I talked to Karen, a councelor through PedsCare, and I told her, that most days I feel like I exist outside of my body. It is like I look down at myself going through the motions. Sometimes I return and live in the moments with Ryan and Griffin. I find myself laughing a little at times and trying to find the person I used to be, but too much has changed. A void follows me in all that I do. Everything reminds me of him. All I can do is continue to pray for wisdom and strength to keep facing the days to come.

Luckily, Karen said that was very normal, and that I seemed to be handling my grief in a healthy way. I am glad for that, because I don't want to be unhealthy. Mostly for Griffin and Ryan. But for me and for Jack. I know that he would not want me to be sick with depression, so I keep myself moving and going and doing, even if I have to watch myself do these things when I feel out of sorts or outside of myself.

Easter Weekend

We are packing to get ready to go to Valdosta for Easter weekend. We always have a big family lunch out at "the farm". And all the kids hunt for eggs. We have a lot of little kiddos with Griffin and her cousins and some friends from church. This year will be bitter sweet. Last year I rember being pregnant at Easter, and hopping that this time next year we have have our sweet little Jack with us. Tomorrow is the 10th and he would have been 10 months old.

I think that all the events in my family's life, even happy ones will be tinged with a saddness of our little guy missing. We took Griffin to Disney a couple of weeks ago and that feeling of loss or void was there that followed us. We still laughed and had fun, but my mind kept wandering to "What if Jack were here with us? What would he think of all this?" I guess I just have to think of him smiling down on us from Heaven, and feel him with us in our hearts.

Hope you all have a great Easter and enjoy time with family and/or friends.

PS. Griffin in flower girl dress is for next May 2010. Ryan's sister is getting married, and I found a possible flower girl dress a little early. So it is still a little too big for her. I thought she looked so cute I played around with the SmileBox program to send pics to my sister-in-law to see if she liked the dress. Thought I would link it to the blog just to see if it would work.

Spinning a cocoon

This week has taken me by surprise. I started feeling deep anguish and emotions that are always at the surface, but magnified. I felt myself pulling away from friends, activities, even answering the phone. And during this time I did not just stay in bed, but went to places that were familiar and spiritual. Me, Ryan, and Griffin spent two days at the beach just playing together, walking through the waves, listening to the gentle roll of the tides. On Sat. we played so hard and then felt so quiet that the three of us took a nap side by side on our beach blanket and towels.

I needed to concentrate on trying to feel and sort these emotions. Some of these emotions have become part of my new existence or personality, and some are very strange and new to me. I talked to my friend Shannon (she has been through a similar loss) about it, and she told me it was good and okay to "spin a cocoon" around myself during times of sorrow and deep grieving. All I can say is that it is beyond my control right now. I can't explain it, but that I hope I can come out with a transformation that is new and stronger. I feel that this is the one of many transformations and times of quiet and healing.

This week I felt hurt as always, and anger, which is kind of new. For the past several months I have been afraid to feel angry, especially at God. I mean, who am I to be mad with God. I have been afraid of being struck down, or have something else precious to me taken away. But this week I realized that God is BIG enough to handle my anger. Like when Griffin gets made at me for a time. I am strong enough to know that it is not forever. Sometimes I may smile or even giggle a little, to myself, at her trying to be mad at me. I don't think that God is laughing at me, but just maybe looking at me like a little child with very innocent and raw emotions, like a child angry with their parent. Please continue to pray for me, Ryan, and Griffin. We have all felt the pain as the dates on the calendar approaches that mark a VERY hard time for us 5 months ago. Especially that on April 12th Jack will have been in Heaven the same amount of time that he was on Earth. That is very strange to me. The clock continues to tick away pushing us farther away from the time we spent with our precious angel.

We love you Jack.
Today a single butterfly played in our backyard as I sat outside in the swing. I kept watching it as it fluttered around the yard, stopping every now and then to get a closer look. I thought of you, and I cried. I miss you so, and think of you by the day, by the hour, and often by the minute. I am blowing kisses your way. Love, Mommy XOXOXO

Grifffin answers some questions

I got this off of a friends blog. I asked Griffin these questions and put her exact reply.

1. What is something mom always says to you?Put me in time out
2. What makes mom happy? Obeying
3. What makes mom sad? hitting
4. How does your mom make you laugh? make funny faces
5. What was your mom like as a child? like me (Griffin)
6. How old is your mom? 5 (holds up her hand)
7. How tall is your mom? Holds hand in air about 3 in. taller then her
8. What is her favorite thing to do? play Barbies
9. What does your mom do when you’re not around? go outside
10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for? being silly
11. What is your mom really good at? Hippity Hop Scotch
12. What is your mom not very good at? She looks around the room and says "hanging up pictures" (Don't know)
13. What does your mom do for her job? school
14. What is your mom’s favorite food? olives
15. What makes you proud of your mom? winning a race and getting a trophy (no trophies)
16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be? A flower
17. What do you and your mom do together? pick flowers
18. How are you and your mom the same? our swim suits (not really)
19. How are you and your mom different? our hair
20. How do you know your mom loves you? In my heart
21. Where is your mom’s favorite place to go? Mickey D's (NOT)
*She is a funny little girl. I love you Griff, thank you for bringing me so much joy!!!