Jack's Day

Yesterday, November 12, 2009 was one year ago since Jack passed away. I had been dreading it all week, and all year long. I decided to take a few days off of school just to be with Griffin and go to Valdosta. Yesterday morning, Ryan and I started the morning with a prayer for peace and comfort for our family. Ryan led the most beautiful prayer and just talked to God about our feelings of losing Jack, and how Jack had changed our lives. Then he prayed for Griffin and our future of whether we will have anymore kids. We prayed that they would be healthy and that Griffin would be healthy. We also prayed for all the people who's lives Jack touched. At about 10 until 7:00 (the hour Jack went to Heaven) I lit a candle in his room, grabbed one of his baby blankets, and snuggled up in the twin bed in his room. I dozed on and off praying and remembering Jack. I treasured each smile and kiss. Then I cried for the sadness and pain of loss and any suffering he may have endured. After I got up I started getting text messages and facebook messages of how other friends and family were celebrating Jack's life. People were releasing balloons with their kids they had decorated with messages to Jack. They were wearing BUTTERFLY clothes, scrubs, pins, and necklaces that day to work. They were lighting candles and praying for us all day long. I was so encouraged by those messages. I also had a friend from Perry, Florida who's little girl had her Earthly birthday yesterday. She had messaged me that they would light a cupcake candle for Jack's Heavenly Birthday. I LOVED that, I had never thought of it that way. I have to share her quote from her kids:

"We just had our little Jack cupcake celebration...and Caroline sang over and over...and over and over....and over and over "Happy Heavenly Birthday to you", until Carson (who is 4) finally put his hand to his ear and said...and I quote..."What? (pause) Caroline, Baby Jack just talked to me. He said you can't sing and to please be quiet." :)

Don't you just love kids? I love how children just fell in love with Jack too and prayed for him and celebrated his life, and his transition of life into Heaven. God bless the little children.

Griffin and I then hit the road to Valdosta. We met Dad and Sarah for lunch (Mom was out of town with her sisters, and very much missed) and then the four of us got balloons and released them at sunset at the cemetery where Jack is in Valdosta. We stood and watched as the balloons lifted into Heaven. It was a precious and beautiful site. Griffin choose a flower balloon. She wrote a message and drew a picture of Jack on her card. She tells me often. "Mom, I am growing up on Earth and Jack is growing up in heaven!" I tell her that is right. We often talk about what Jack is doing in Heaven as he grows. What sweet conversations. It started to look rainy as we were leaving the cemetery. She was real quite and then she said, "Mom, why does it rain?" I said, "Well, God is watering the plants, tree, and flowers." She thought a minute and said, "Man, God has a really big watering can!" I love her vision of God. She is my precious saving grace. She keeps me going and lightens the mood when the sadness gets too tense or too sad.

The experience of the week and day ended up very special! It was a time of reflection and sharing with all the others who loved Jack as well. I was touched by all the sweet ways that people celebrated Jack's special day. Love to all!
Blessings!!!

When You're 15

I love this Taylor Swift Song. It reminds me of being young. The first day of High School, driving my first car, and all the fun memories I made with my friends. Also my first crush, my first date, and my first kiss. That time in a girl's life is so scary and special at the same time. The song also makes me fast forward just a few short (11 years) when Griffin will be 15. I am already praying that her experiences will be positive, and that she will not face too much heartache. I pray she makes good decisions, and seeks God first. I know I can't protect her from everything, but I pray for wisdom to raise my daughter as a good christian example who loves God, her family, and her friends.
Enjoy the Lyrics!

Fifteen lyricsSongwriters: Swift, Taylor Alison;

"You take a deep breath and you walk through the doors
It's the morning of your very first day
And you say hi to your friends you ain't seen in a while
Try and stay out of everybody's wayIt's your freshman year and you're gonna be here
For the next four years in this town
Hoping one of those senior boys will wink at you and say
"You know, I haven't seen you around before"'
Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen feeling like there's nothing to figure out
Well, count to ten, take it in
This is life before you know who you're gonna beFifteen
You sit in class next to a redhead named Abigail
And soon enough you're best friends
Laughing at the other girls who think they're so cool
We'll be outta here as soon as we can
And then you're on your very first date and he's got a car
And you're feeling like flying
And you're momma's waiting up and you're thinking he's the one
And you're dancing 'round your room when the night ends
When the night ends'
Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
When you're fifteen and your first kiss
Makes your head spin 'round
But in your life you'll do things greater than
Dating the boy on the football team
But I didn't know it at fifteen
When all you wanted was to be wanted
Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now
Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday
But I realized some bigger dreams of mine
And Abigail gave everything she had to a boy
Who changed his mind and we both cried'
Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen, don't forget to look before you fall
I've found time can heal most anything
And you just might find who you're supposed to be
I didn't know who I was supposed to be at fifteen
Your very first day
Take a deep breath girl
Take a deep breath as you walk through the doors."

Fall Fun

We have been very busy and since I have joined facebook, I don't keep up with my blog as well. So here is an overview. Griff and I have been doing some "grief" work and found out we are pretty healthy and handeling things normal and good. That was a BIG relief. Only by God's grace am I even surviving this. Some days are better than other, and medicine helps too, but just a little something to help take the edge off. Working and staying busy helps. I am still so thankful I can work part time, and spend my afternoons with Griff and Robin. Today we went to PETCO and picked out a goodie bag of treats for Robin and then went to the park and played. It was a BEAUTIFUL afternoon. It was good to get fresh air and sunshine.

Last weekend we went to Atlanta to see family and friends. We visited a GIANT pumpkin patch there with Kim, Adam, and Great Grandma. Then Sunday morning we went to our old church, Grace Chapel Church of Christ, and it was great.
Mom and Dad came to visit this past weekend and we went to the corn maize with some friends from church. We also went to the pumpkin patch down the street from our house. It was a great weekend. I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

"Tear Soup" By Pat Schwiebert and chuck DeKlyen

"Tear soup is a way for you to sort through all the different types of feelings and memories you have when you lose someone or something special."

"Because of her great loss, she knew her recipe fir tear soup would call for a big pot. With a big pot she would have plenty of room for all the memories, misgivings, all the feelings and all the tears she needed to stew in the pot over time."

"Some days when you're making tear soup it's even hard to breathe. Some days you feel like running away. You just hope a better day comes along soon. And then comes one of the hardest parts of making tear soup,"
"It's when you decided it might be okay to eat something instead of soup all the time."

"I've learned that grief, like a pot of soup, changes the longer it simmers and the more things you put into it.
And most importantly, I've learned that there is something down deep within all of us ready to help us survive the things we think we can't survive."

Human Nature

Here are the scriptures from the sermon I talked about. My Dad talked to his preacher, Bryan, and he sent the verses and a quote to him.

"What a heavy burden God has laid on men!
Ecclesiastes 1:13b

Hebrews 13:5b
…. because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.“

1 Peter 2:9a
But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood,
a holy nation, a people belonging to God …

Ephesians 2:10a
For we are God's workmanship …

1 Corinthians 6:17
But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.

Philippians 4:13
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Psalms 112:1
Praise the Lord.
Blessed is the man who fears the Lord,
who finds great delight in his commands.

He will have no fear of bad news;
his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.
Psalms 112:7

This is the quote from Dr. John Mark Hicks …

“My problem–indeed, humanity’s tendency – is to allow sadness to become my reality and my identity. It has defined me at times. It has colored everything in my life, blinded me to the vibrancy of life’s colors, and distorted my joys. It was often easier to feel nothing rather than risk feeling the sadness again, and thus life becomes bland, grey and emotionless. It then becomes easy to put up a facade and live quite comfortably in my own shack
of self-pity and despair. When sadness becomes our identity, everything else becomes meaningless. In the language of Ecclesiastes, when futility and meaningless become our vision of life, life itself is a burden. When we park our heart in sadness we lose our very personhood and purpose. But this is not God’s intent for us.”

God Bless … Bryan

Thank you Dad and Mr. Bryan for sharing and encouraging!

The Shack

I recently finished reading "The Shack". It was a great book, especially for what we have gone through. I love the time that Mack spent at the Shack with God, Jesus and the holy spirit. I wish I could have an experience like that weekend with the Holy Trinity.

And even more life changing was a sermon I heard in Valdosta this past Sunday. It was based on "the shack", not the book but the symbolic place that we go when we are troubled, and dealing with a "great sadness". I have been camping in my own personal Shack for about a yer and a half. Ever since I found out about my pregnancy not being "normal" I have been grieving. Then all the stress, uncertainty, joy, memories, and sadness that Jack's life and death brought to our family. I found myself running to the shack, by myself, any chance I got. Looking through pictures, watching videos and DVDs of Jack's life, and even listening to his funereal recorded on a CD when I was driving alone in my car. I know that it probably normal for anyone grieving. I guess I feel like the sadness is where my baby and the memories are. The sadness keeps me close to him, and moving on to a happiness is moving farther from Jack, and our life with him. I spent my time feeling guilt from being happy, and guilt from being sad. I still do not have a clue how to handle this, but I know that God does not want us to camp out and dwell in our shack. Please pray for me as I continue to search for the right space to be in. I want to enjoy the present with Ryan, Griffin, our family and friends. But I never want to be removed from the past and the love I have for Jack, and how much he means to me, or how much I miss him. I also long for a future of love and happiness, and possible one day more children.

On a positive note, I started my Kindergarten class. We are in week two. It is so much fun. I teach half days and it is working great. Today we went and met Griffin's VPK teacher and saw her classroom. Ryan took an early lunch and we all three went to her school and enjoyed lunch together. Now Griffin and I are home with robin, our new puppy, and doing well. I'll try to add new pics soon. Computer is running slow. Love to my readers!

How bout some good news

Alright...I know my last few blogs have been really low. I'm sure most folks have about stopped reading because it is pretty depressing. So...how bout some good news!

Here we go. I got a job teaching Kindergarten. That is new and exciting. I will teach every morning at my same school Mandarin Oaks. I will teach mornings, and my friend Lisa will teach afternoons. She has a newborn cutie, Reed. So it will give us both a great opportunity to stay in the classroom part time and then be home with our kiddos too. Griffin will be VPK every morning. So as soon as I get off work, she will be done with school and we will have the afternoons to hang out. It is her last year before Kindergarten, and then she will be with me at my school. Yay! What a blessing.

More fun times. I took Griffin to see Dora Live here in Jax. We went with my friend Stephanie, and her little girl, Sadie. It was a blast! We went out for pizza at a cool little Italian place, then we went and enjoyed the show.

Griffin is going to be in two weddings. She is going to be the flower girl in Bart and Casey's wedding in at the end of August. Then we will all 3 be in Renee's wedding in May. So we are busy with an exciting year ahead of us.

And...we are getting a puppy on August 14th. Her name is Robin. She is part Irish Setter and Golden Retriever. We can't wait to meet her. I'm posting pictures of her from his cousin Kim.