Spinning a cocoon

This week has taken me by surprise. I started feeling deep anguish and emotions that are always at the surface, but magnified. I felt myself pulling away from friends, activities, even answering the phone. And during this time I did not just stay in bed, but went to places that were familiar and spiritual. Me, Ryan, and Griffin spent two days at the beach just playing together, walking through the waves, listening to the gentle roll of the tides. On Sat. we played so hard and then felt so quiet that the three of us took a nap side by side on our beach blanket and towels.

I needed to concentrate on trying to feel and sort these emotions. Some of these emotions have become part of my new existence or personality, and some are very strange and new to me. I talked to my friend Shannon (she has been through a similar loss) about it, and she told me it was good and okay to "spin a cocoon" around myself during times of sorrow and deep grieving. All I can say is that it is beyond my control right now. I can't explain it, but that I hope I can come out with a transformation that is new and stronger. I feel that this is the one of many transformations and times of quiet and healing.

This week I felt hurt as always, and anger, which is kind of new. For the past several months I have been afraid to feel angry, especially at God. I mean, who am I to be mad with God. I have been afraid of being struck down, or have something else precious to me taken away. But this week I realized that God is BIG enough to handle my anger. Like when Griffin gets made at me for a time. I am strong enough to know that it is not forever. Sometimes I may smile or even giggle a little, to myself, at her trying to be mad at me. I don't think that God is laughing at me, but just maybe looking at me like a little child with very innocent and raw emotions, like a child angry with their parent. Please continue to pray for me, Ryan, and Griffin. We have all felt the pain as the dates on the calendar approaches that mark a VERY hard time for us 5 months ago. Especially that on April 12th Jack will have been in Heaven the same amount of time that he was on Earth. That is very strange to me. The clock continues to tick away pushing us farther away from the time we spent with our precious angel.

We love you Jack.
Today a single butterfly played in our backyard as I sat outside in the swing. I kept watching it as it fluttered around the yard, stopping every now and then to get a closer look. I thought of you, and I cried. I miss you so, and think of you by the day, by the hour, and often by the minute. I am blowing kisses your way. Love, Mommy XOXOXO