7 months old

I hope this blog finds its readers having a blessed and happy new year. The Lee family is just trying to heal one day at a time. I can't tell you how thankful we are to all our family, friends, and loved ones for the support they have given us.

Yesterday was Jan. 10th. Jack would have been 7 months old. Tomorrow Jan. 12th marks 2 months ago that he passed away. I can't believe how times ticks away. I know that it has to for many reasons. It forces us to continue this journey on Earth to get that much closer to our time with God in Heaven. It also protects us from dwelling on the sadness of a time or season in our lives. I know that we can't handle staying in one time too long.

Yesterday Ryan, Griffin, and I went to Tallahassee for a basketball game at FSU. It was a nice distraction from the sadness of the day. On our way home Ryan got really sleepy so I drove I-10 back to Jacksonville. Ryan and Griffin both fell asleep, which left me kind of alone with my thoughts. It was a beautiful night with a full moon. So I drove the darkness and thought of our time with Jack. I wept at the beauty of his small and very brief life. I thought about how he would have looked getting older and bigger. I tried to picture him sitting up and getting his first few teeth. I could hear his giggle and see his little smile. It was almost as if in that full moon, I could feel him shining down on me. I went to sleep that night crying for what could have been.

I still wake most mornings wondering if it were all a dream. I wake up wondering if he is still in his nursery, or if I am still pregnant. My breath catches in my chest hoping for a different outcome. It is so hard and mind blowing when the realization sinks in. It is like getting punched in the stomach. I just can't believe that we actually lost a precious baby.

I realize he is in a a better place, and that God loves him, and God loves us, but the ache to hold that sweet baby in my arms is almost too much to bear some days. A lot of days I do okay. I keep myself busy and distracted, but other days it does not matter what I do the sadness overwhelms me. It is hard for all of us.

A few nights ago Ryan, Griffin, and I went to dinner and started talking about Griffin's birthday. She will be 4 in May, but she is already very eager to have a party. She was talking about what kind of cake she wanted , and then looked at me and said, "Mom, do you think Jack and God could come to my party?" Ryan and I tried to smile and said they will be watching your party from Heaven. She seemed okay with that answer, but it took all that Ryan and I had not to fall apart right there in Chili's.

I am sorry if this post makes you sad or cry too. Please just continue to pray for me and my family. I think these days have been harder now that the dust has settled, the company has gone home, and the days go back to what was normal before we were pregnant. The big difference is that it can't go back to what it was before. Jack has forever changed our lives, some sadness, and a lot of beautiful memories.
Good night family and loved ones. Love, The Lees