8 months old

Today is the 10th. Eight months ago I was waiting at the hospital to give birth to Jack. It was the most scared in my life I have ever been. The feeling of panic was almost more than I could take. The Dr. came in telling me that he would probably never even take his first breath and that Ryan and I needed to decided if we wanted him on life support. I prayed through my whole C-Section. Ryan and I were both almost paralyzed with fear. My midwife, Grace (very appropriate), came in and held my hand while the Dr. performed the C-Section. The anasthesia (sp?) nurse took pictures for us, because we were both so shaken. They started at 6:00 pm, and Jack was born at 6:17pm. I'll never forget that little pink guy crying and sucking his thumb. Little 3 pounds and 14 oz. Even then they did not think he would live very long. I remember the nurse handing him to me and saying, "I wish things could be different." He went in the recovery room with us where we were greeted by friends and family. There were so many emotions in that room. We were excited he was here, and relieved that he was breathing and heart beating. Then his temperature began to drop so they rushed him to the NICU. Ryan followed as I continued to recover. Ryan stayed with him all night, and I did not get to see him again until later the next morning. He was very stable in the nursery. It all really seems like a lifetime ago. I feel like I am looking back on this from 10 years later, instead of just 8 mon. The experience has aged both me and Ryan. Someone metioned that Ryan looked different, almost wounded then before. I turned 30 in Nov., 5 days after Jack's funerel, but I felt like I was turning 40. I look at pictures of us early in our pregnancy or even with us and Griffin, and we have changed. Our eyes look different. They look brighter, almost more innocent or I guess just unaware of the saddness we would have to experience. Jack's life was a journey that we travelled and continue trying to make our way through. Ryan and I often talk of where do we go from here? What is our next step? I think we are just trying to coast right now or live in neautral.

I know I probably repeat myself in some of these blogs, but as each month rolls around I can't help but relive everything that happened. This time of month is extremely hard, because his birth date is the 10th, the day he passed away is the 12th, and his funereal date is the 15th. Even looking at the numbers breaks my heart. I am so thankful for the blessings that came along with Jack. His eyes told their own story of what he had to do the get here. It was almost like looking into the eyes of someone who had lived for 80 years. I guess he did live a whole lifetime. He just did his in a matter of 5 months and 2 days.

We miss you Jack, we carry you with us always; in everything we do and everywhere we go. Griffn loves you so much and asks about you everyday. She draws you pictures and sings you songs. Everytime we drive across the big, high bridges in Jacksonville, we roll down the windows and wave and blow you kisses. We figure that's the highest point we can get to, and a little closer to Heaven. Look for us and listen for us to shout your name, and that we love you.
Love, Mommy, Daddy, and Sissy