Beautiful Moment

The past few weeks have been really busy, and I have been a little too emotional to blog.
Where should I begin?

Jack's 1st birthday week was much better then expected. Griffin left Sat. before his birthday and went to stay with my Mom and Dad, so I could make all the arrangements for the butterfly release. It also gave me some time to grieve. Mom's church was having VBS, so I knew Griffin was having fun and playing with friends and cousins. So while I was at home i looked thought pics of us with Jack, and cried. I watched our videos, which just don't seem like enough. Ryan and I did go to dinner one night, and then we did some cleaning around the house. I had been wanting to clean our carpets, and stuff so that kinda kept us busy and burned off some stress. We also did some yard work and planted flowers. My Aunt Sandra sent me some money to buy some butterfly bushes for the back yard. We planted a garden a few weeks earlier with a butterfly flag, wind chimes, and such in the backyard for Jack. So we added some fresh flowers and the butterfly bushes I bought at the butterfly farm.

Tuesday morning my friend, Charlotte and
I drove to Gainesville, FL to pick up my butterfly order. While we were there I scheduled a tour of the garden for me and her. I thought it might be a cool and interesting distraction for the coming day. It was neat. My dear friend was a joy to bring along. She and my friend, Allison also bought me some butterfly bushes, Lantana, and Milkweed. These are all butterfly and caterpillar attracting plants. Very cool. So Ryan added them to our flower garden.

Tuesday night, before Jack's birthday, Ryan and I drove to Valdosta and met Griffin, Mom, and Dad at church for Griff's final night at VBS. We went to Mom and Dad's and got up early and went to the cemetery. I took Jack a birthday flower arrangement, and we sang Happy birthday to Jack. Then we spent a little time taking pics, and telling him we love him and miss him. It is still so shocking. It is unreal, that our son is actually buried, and not with us.

Then we drove back to Valdosta for Griffin last ballet class before her big recital. Then we got home and got ready for a few close friends and family to come over for the butterfly release. Jack's nurse, Janine, his doctor, Dr. Kelly, and "The Puppet Lady", Ms. Sharon, came to spend the evening honoring Jack. At 6:18 PM we released the butterflies. A lot flew off, but several stayed around and fluttered around the kids, and me, Ryan, and Griffin. It was really special. I can't even put into words how perfect it was. Then we went inside to food that my sweet friend prepared including an apple cake with sliced apples in the shape of a butterfly on the top, made by my sweet friend, Jennifer.

We are blessed by the love and support of dear friends, and loving family. I know Jack was smiling down from Heaven. There is an Indian Legend about Butterflies. If you whisper a message to them they can carry the message to Heaven to our loved ones there. I shared this with all the guests, so we all whispered messages to Jack before we released them. It was a very beautiful moment.

I'll post more about dance recital with pictures soon.

Jack's Birthday: Wed. June 10th

Jack's birthday is this Wednesday. I can't believe a year has come and gone. Wow to think back at the expectations and uncertainty that Ryan and I had. The birth of that sweet little boy turned our lives upside down. I wish I could explain all the emotions that we were flooded with. Helpless but hopeful. Scared but with an unexplainable peace. We always knew that God was in charge when it came to Jack. It was like every step we took God was leading the way. Thank the Lord for that. i think looking back now I can see that even more.

For Jack's birthday we are doing a butterfly release here at our house. He was born at 6:18 pm, so that is when we will release them. I am also wrapping a special gift for Griffin to open for her brother. I'll share pictures later. Please pray for us the next few days, especially Wed. I know it is going to be very emotional. A lot of emotions are hitting me like waves. The sadness and emptiness of losing him. Wondering what life would have been like with Jack. Wishing I could see his little smile and hold him in my arms. I loved kissing under his little chin tight on his neck. I miss that so much. So much to miss and replay in my mind. I always run his life like a movie through my head. Trying to hang on to everything.

I read a book a few months ago; Lament For A Son by: Nicholas Wolterstorff. It is about a man who lost his son when his son was mountain climbing. It is a different situation, his son was older, but a lot of the pain is the same. He sums up some of how I'm feeling, and how I feel daily in words that pierce my heart.

"It is the neverness that is so painful. Never to be here with us-never sit with us at the table, never travel with us, never laugh with us, never to embrace us as he leaves for school, never to see his sister marry."

"It's so wrong, so profoundly wrong for a child to die before its parents."

"I lament all that might have been, and now will never be."

"The TEARS...streamed down, and I let them flow as freely as they would, making of them a pillow for my heart. On them I rested." ~Augustine

Jack,
I hope you have a birthday party in Heaven. I hope the angels sing the most beautiful birthday song ever heard. We love you, and we will be sending butterflies your way. Enjoy the sight as friends and family gather to send up our love. You are, and will always be my sweet baby boy. God blessed me when he sent you down to spend a precious moment with us.
My love to you,
Mommy

Lake Palatka with Friends

This past holiday weekend we went with our friends Jeff and Allison Martin and their little boy, Carson, and LK and Monica Wilson and their little girl, Brooke. We had the best time. We left Friday and got to the house right on the lake and unloaded groceries, got beds ready, and luggage in the house. All that settling in stuff. Then we let the little kids watch a movie and the big kids started playing board games and cards. We had so much fun. We got the kids down to sleep and we continued playing cards and laughing until about 3:00am. Then about 8:00am the kids started waking up. LK made us pancakes for breakfast, and we brewed some STRONG coffee and began our lake vacation. Jeff had a pontoon (sp?) boat and two jet skis. We brought our boat, which is a ski boat. We started the day with a boat ride. It was a beautiful day. It was so relaxing. Then we went in because of a thunder storm, and ate lunch. Then it was time for a WalMart run while it was still yucky outside. Then we got back to the lake house and started making dinner. We had spaghetti with salad, and LK made some FABULOUS bread with cheeses, parmigiana, and pesto. So yummy. Then we watched some more kids movies, and played cards until 1:00 am. At least that was when I went to bed, I think a game of Rummy went until 3:00 am. (I'm getting too old to stay up late many nights in a row). Next day we went to the Blue Crab festival by boat and jet ski. It was a lot of fun. We walked around and watched a pig race. Our favorite piggy, Snoop Hoggy Hogg won. The kids loved it. Then we swam off the side of the boat and Monica, Allison, and I raced the jet skis back to the Lake house. Poor Monica flew off and lost her glasses. Then we got back to lake house and had lunch and waited out that day's thunderstorm. Then more boat riding and that night we went out on the boat and shined bright spotlights and saw all the gators...SCARY, especially since we have all been swimming in that water. It was kinda cool though. More food, more movies, and then more cards. Allison and I spanked LK and Jeff in a VERY competitive game of Spades. The boys were talking A LOT of trash in that game, but nothing has been mentioned since then. they are denying that the game ever took place. But we know how it happened. Ryan and Monica are witnesses. Next day more eating, boating, jet skiing, and swimming. I drove Griffin on one jet ski, and Allison drove Carson on the other. It was so great to spend time with Griffin doing something really fun and different. She LOVED the jet ski. I'm also glad she got to spend her time with her very great friend, Brooke and Carson.
A great time was had by all. Most fun i have had in a while. Then we had to go home and back to work. We need a vacation from our vacation. I'll post pics soon.

PS...Then I cried all the way home to Jacksonville wishing Jack were there, because he would have been toddling around with the kids and smiling a lot. I miss you Bubby. Mommy keeps you in my heart with us in all that we do. I thought of him a lot when we rode in the boat. I looked to the sky imagining the fun he was having and the peace he was feeling. Everyday to him is a beautiful, perfect vacation. Praise God for Heaven!

Happy thoughts

Jack's 1st birthday is just around the corner so I have been thinking a lot about him and the best things about him. Here is a small list of some of my happiest thoughts of Jack.
1. His soft, feathry brown hair
2. His knowing eyes. His eyes showed wisdom, strength, kindness, and love.
3. The smell of his hair. It did not matter the shampoo I used he always had the same distinct
little smell. I'll never forget it.
4. The way he snuggled. He loved to be held close and tight.
5. His sweet little feet. They were perfect!!! (HE proved those doctors wrong)
6. His strong grip. He loved to hold your thumb or finger as tight as he could.
7. He was a spunky little guy. Full of fight and very determined.
8. The way he looked at Griffin, his big sister, with so much love and adoration.
9. The day he smiled so big and let out a precious giggle.
10. The lessons he taught my family of love, gentleness, perserverance, and bravery.

"Before you were conceived I wanted you
Before you were born I loved you
Before you were here an hour
I would die for you
This is the miracle of love." ~Maureen Hawkins

"A baby boy was created by the hand of God above to give the world the sweetest touch of tenderness and love. With the softness of a whisper, God made a baby's skin and then designed two trusting eyes to put the starlight in. With giggles from a waterfall and breezes passing by, God made a baby's laughter and a tiny, sleepy sigh. God made the world a precious gift more dear and pure than gold, with little toes to play with and tiny hands to hold then brought into the sunshine a precious baby boy All wrapped up in a rainbow of wonder, hope, and joy." -unknown author

Mother's Day, Griffin's Birthday, and missing Jack

We had a good Mother's Day with Mom and Dad and my sister Sarah. They came in from Valdosta on Sat. Sat night we cooked steaks and corn on the cob, and ate salad. I made a chocolate birthday cake for Griffin and we asked "my elder" from church to come over and have dessert with us. We had cake and coffee and Griffin opened some of her presents that night. The Sunday we ate breakfast at Panera bread, went to church, went to the beach, said goodbye to Sarah, and then ate at Olive Garden that night.

Monday I had to work, and then Tuesday was Griffin's birthday and last day of school. I had planned to take the whole day off, but I ended up needing to go in to help with some meetings. So I worked from 8-10 am, went to Griffin's end of year program at her pre-school. It was so cute. She and her class sang 3 songs, and they had a slide show of all the things the kids did during the year. Then we ate lunch together and I went back to work from 1-3:00pm. Then we had a birthday party with some close friends and family at Ollie Koala's. (It is kinda like Chuck E. Cheese). I'll post pictures of it all soon. I can't believe my Griff is 4 years old. Time flies by so fast. I also can't believe that May 12th also marked the date of six months ago that Jack passed away. June 10th is coming fast. Jack would be one year old.

Those dates hit me like giant waves at the ocean. I can see them coming from a distance and I get scared before they even get here. I can feel it building. My anxiety and saddness build like the wave and then it crashes on us. Even Griffin can feel it. Tonight she started crying for Jack and wanted him to come back to us. I told her that when we were all old we would go to Heaven too, and get to see Jack. It broke my heart when she said, "Mom I wish I was old and could go to Heaven now." Bless her little heart. She cried and cried for Jack. Tonight she is holding one of Jack's Teddy Bears tight as she sleeps, with little tear streaks down her cheeks.

I pray that God can give her sweet dreams tonight, a peace, and understanding that is wise beyond her little years. I hate that she has already had to face such a terrible loss. It is bad enought that me, Rayn, and our adult family has, but she is so little. Most kids have not lost a loved one or even a pet yet. They are still able to experience a life without the pain of loss. But my sweet 4 year old lost her brother, her little Bubby that she helped take care of. She bathed him, helped me feed him, change diapers, and all the big sister things, and now he is gone, and none of us really undrstand why or how it all happened.
That is all for now.
Amanda
*We love you Bubby. Mommy, Daddy, and Sissy love you and miss you!

Mother's Day

This week I have been pretty depressed with Mother's Day coming. I have been thinking about Jack a lot, as always. Tomorrow is the 10th and Jack would have been 11 months old. His birth date just keeps falling on some emotional days. Also tomorrow at church they are doing a baby dedication for all the babies born this year. So my friend Charlotte, who does the children's ministry called and told me and asked what I would like to do for Jack. What they usually do is a slide show of the babies at newborn age, and then call the families up to the front and pray for the babies and their families as they grow, you know as the future of our church. It really is a sweet thing. This year just happens to be sad for me and Ryan. We have the newborn pictures, but not the baby to hold in front of the church. I did want his picture included, because he was born and lived this year, and he was a big part of our church. So we decided that Jack's picture will be included in the slide show. And then they will tell the church about the rocking chair in our nursery. I have been part of a Mom's Bible study for about 3 years now, and that Bible study group bought a gliding rocker for our nursery, and had a plaque made for the chair that has a butterfly, and it says, "In Loving Memory of Baby Jack". So I told Charlotte I would like her to just mention that dedication in Jack's name. That was such a sweet gesture. Sometimes after church I go sit in Jack's chair and just rock.

On a much lighter note...I attend a "Mother's Day tea" at Griffin's pre-school and had such a wonderful time. The three year old class worked very hard to make a special day for their Mommies. Griffin made a hand print in cement for me, she painted a portrait of me, made me a bracelet, a hat, and her teacher made us black and white silhouette profile of our child. It was really beautiful. Griffin served me tea and helped me decorate a little mini cake with icing, sprinkles, and m&ms. Very yummy. Enjoy the pictures. Especially my portrait by Griffin. I had a good belly laugh from that one.

Hope all the mommies have a great Mother's Day!

Mommy loves you Jack and Griffin. Good night to my two favorite kiddos! XOXOXO

Time With Jack

We went to Valdosta for Easter, and Easter Sunday was actually the 12th, and that was the 5 month marker of Jack's passing. Very symbolic. I had a new empathy with Mary and how it feels to lose a son, and not understand why it happened. And to feel so helpless as you feel them slip away. Having to surrender him up to God and trust that He will take care of them.

I was able to go to Valdosta about 2 weeks earlier and make a flower arrangement for Jack's grave. I like making him things, and I always include butterflies. You can see the pictures. I found him an Easter basket and wrote his name on it. So I had that set out for him for Easter and the Spring. Ryan had not been to Valdosta in a few months, so on Sat. he went to the cemetaery by himself and spent some time with Jack. Then on Easter Sunday, me, Ryan, and Griffin all went. At first Griffin did not want to go, so we said that was okay. She sat a few yards away in the car as Ryan and I went to the grave, and just thought about him, and said our goodbyes before we left again for Jacksonville. We loaded back in the car and Griffin decided she wanted to go and take "Bubby" some Easter candy and an egg she got from the Bunny. I started to get out and walk with her, but she said, "No Mom! I want to go by myself. With tears in my eyes I nodded my head and watched from the car as she talked and smiled at her baby brother's grave marker. I had my camera and captured the precious moments from the car. It was one of the most precious moments I have ever witnessed. It reminded me of the first time she got to see him in the hospital. She, like us, had such high hopes for her baby brother. We got to do many special things while he was here, but I often wonder what she thinks about why he is gone. I know that she is trying to work things out in her little head, just like me and Ryan are.

It is still so hard. I talked to Karen, a councelor through PedsCare, and I told her, that most days I feel like I exist outside of my body. It is like I look down at myself going through the motions. Sometimes I return and live in the moments with Ryan and Griffin. I find myself laughing a little at times and trying to find the person I used to be, but too much has changed. A void follows me in all that I do. Everything reminds me of him. All I can do is continue to pray for wisdom and strength to keep facing the days to come.

Luckily, Karen said that was very normal, and that I seemed to be handling my grief in a healthy way. I am glad for that, because I don't want to be unhealthy. Mostly for Griffin and Ryan. But for me and for Jack. I know that he would not want me to be sick with depression, so I keep myself moving and going and doing, even if I have to watch myself do these things when I feel out of sorts or outside of myself.